New Years Resolutions:

• Lose weight (of course)
• Earn lotsa bux
• Go to Las Vegas
• Go to Singapore
• Move out
• Be sucessful

Hey Brididgydidge, my adopted sister. I know Georgia was joking when she put you up for adoption in exchange for Jack (crazy) but I sure wasn't. I was so desperate for a little baby sister and Georgia had 2! I've always been jealous of your family, you guys are so happy (plus, the whole awesomeness red hair thing is ju...st grouse). When I lost you I lost a part of myself and I haven't been able to get it back. I don't think I ever will and that makes me sad.

I've got a theory that people who die young always know that they're going to die young, and that's why they're always awesome. Only good people seem to die. No one dies and you think "man that guy was a real cock". You are and always will be the most honest and real person I know.I still don't believe you're gone, bec...ause you're right with me every single day. Thanks for looking out for all of us down here on Earth, because God knows we need it without you to guide us.I love you. My little adopted sister. I promise to look after the ones left behind.

P.sss I ate all the yellow m&ms.

...

I messaged Georgia and told her I'm thinking of her and her family today. She messaged back saying "thanks heaps". I'm so happy we're talking again, she lives just around the corner from me. She's looking really thin and sick, and she said she's been to the doctors about it.

I cried a LOT last night and couldn't get to sleep. I could feel Bridget's presence with me and that made me feel a lot better.

I'm going to get a heart tattoo behind my ear. And it's not gunna hurt.

Merry Christmas. I got paid Christmas Eve and was in a mad frenzy of buying gifts. I think I prolly spent too much...

I was supposed to work at the bakery that day but I got my period the day before and couldn't think of standing up for too long, my hips are so out of whack. I'm going to the gyno soon to discuss the IUD. I've heard some awesome things (read: Desci said it's good) but Googling it has told me some bad things about weight gain, depression and heavier bleeding. I've learnt from experience that anything that's going to affect any of those 3 things is wholy not worth me going to the trouble of getting the medication. I'm already struggling with my weight, sanity and bleeding.

Sex without worrying, though, would be lovely.

Felix met my family and it was all sweet. Him and dad were civil and it was an all-round *alright* day. We went to sleep at about 3pm and woke up at maybe 8pm, so our sleeping pattern is throughly fucked up. I see a Christmas tridition in the making.

I'm thinking of dropping McDonalds work. It's just degrading for someone of my age, I know I'm not old but I might aswel be a grandmother for all the kids I work with. Bakers Delight has much nicer people and you get free stuff sometimes (last night I bought home 18 chocolate scones. Dead).

---

Christmas is just around the corner and I have literally bought no gifts. I *think* I'm getting paid on Christmas Eve but if not this will be an imaginary Christmas this year. I've just had no money since we got back into the country and it fucking sucks. Mum said I don't have to pay her all the money I owe her at once (there would be no point because I'd only have to borrow more off her). She's even wanting to help us get a flat in town. She's being very helpful in some ways, but very very nerveish in other ways.

Felix is still unemployed and it's really getting me down. I know he's trying but it seems like he's lost it now. After applying for 50million jobs I can certinely understand that, too. It's just that he's not applying for shit-kicker jobs like I am. It really makes me a little bit mad thinking that I'm working 3 dead-end jobs while he's still applying for managment.

I'm on his computer right now. Maybe I'll fill out a KFC application. Would that be so wrong?

P.S I cut all my hair off with theatre scissors I found in the bathroom. I mean really fucking hacked it. It looks so sex. I love it long time.

Much happier in the hair department.

Stressful times. Working 3 jobs now in a matter of fucking days! It's kinda awesome though, even though on their own they're pretty average jobs.

Maccas is number 1 and highest paying. Pros- I already know what I'm doing and feel a sense of leadership there- I see management in the future.
Cons- It's McDonalds and it's degrading.

Bakers Delight is number 2 and lowest paying. I really don't mind the pay since the work is so easy, but who knows? I haven't worked there long and I may fucking hate it within a week. Props to the 3 months probationary, amirite?

3rd and most wonderful of my 3 jobs is at Curves. It's very exciting and a totally new opportunity for me. I'm a fitness instructor! I know. It's really not me but I hope that I can conform to the role since it just seems like so much fun.

CONS OF HAVING 3 JOBS
This will be, at the least, 46 hours a week. I'm really not so good right now in ways of depression and feeling tired all the time. I hope that earning money and becoming more independent will help and everything, but it's really getting to a point where I need some anti-ds. So much anxiety right now! FOR NO REASON. I'll be driving *near* the town where I grew up and my chest will tighten. It's not like I've had any kind of childhood fuckup to the extremes? Fucking weird. Anyways. I'll go to the doctors.

Shuddup. I WILL.

Depression. It's high since yesterday I got a perm which looks like this:

I just... I can't look at it. I can't go outside. I hate it and it's awful. It was supposed to be curly and nice and long and beautiful but instead it's frizz.

All of my entire hair is ruined and I can't believe it. What did I do? I called my work and asked when I'm next working and they said not until after the new year since they closed the resaurant. Were they going to tell me? I don't think so. So now I work at McDonalds and a bakery part time. 2 jobs and Felix still doesn't have one.

I know I'm ranting, but could anything else possibly go wrong? FML.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOPVRJB1-9c

Coming to terms with my sexuality I realised that I'm soooo bisexual that it's just unbearable.

I don't think I'd be able to have enough IRL confidence to have sex with a *real* woman. I've only ever had sex with one *real* man. And plus the only reason I have enough confidence to have sex with him is because I've known him since I was 13 and he IS the male version of me.

But fo reals, girls are just too varied. I don't want to brag but I have a *lovely* vagina. It's so normal. Perfectional in a vadge. If I was going to have sex with a lady I'd be worried about all the dangly bits or something is going to be bigger/smaller than I thought.

But at the same time that's kind of exciting.

Gah I don't know! I told Felix and he's not what you'd expect from a guy who just learnt that his girlfriend is bi... He's kind of worried that I'll cheat on him, but I never would. Not without him watching. I wouldn't want a 3some because I wouldn't want anyone to touch MY Felix.

I wouldn't say bicurious because I have been bicurious all my life... I'm most definially bisexual. No doubt.

Blah.

Goodness Me!

I didn't post for the entire month of October!

You can't make me feel bad about it either.

Anways, I was too busy. Me and Felix are now back in the land of Aus and I'm kinda liking it... Except that Felix isn't allowed at my dad's house and we've moved back in with mother... Ahh!

I'm a bar wench now. It's a little bit of a step down, but whatever. I hate starting a new job and everyone's "this is how you do this". I know I look young, but it's like I'm 14 here or something. Plus it's waitressing and there's so many *rules* sorrounding waitressing. Did you ever notice that the waitress isn't allowed to stack the dishes at the table? I sure didn't? Nor would I have minded if she did. For Goodness sake.

I've decided I'm going to study Phlebotomy. I know I'm a little needle-phobic, but I don't think that should effect my peformance if I'm doing the prodecure on others. Plus it's bloodtests and I really don't mind bloodtests. I'm a regular blood-donor.

Maybe next year. I have good intentions.

I'm Not Sorry

So there.

It's been a fair few months since I've posted, so I'll update in bullet point form.

• I've had a job for the last couple of months. I manage a catering company. It sucks giant dogs balls. Sweaty giant dogs balls. I'm getting a total of $900AUD a month. I'm quitting for:
• An apprenticeship. I've finally cracked film-making. It's very exciting, and kind of Bollywood. He's paying me more than my sweaty giant dogs balls job, so what have I got to lose?
• I've been labeled a racist for putting the words "fat" and "Indian" in a sentence together. *Sigh*. I can't even be bothered to correct the stupid dickhead.
• I'm still an illegal immigrant
• I'm dying to paint something.
• I still live with Felix's parents.
• I'm watching The Simpsons.

It's not racist if it's an observation, is it? He is a fat Indian, but I like him and we're good mates. I was only trying to explain who he was to someone. "He's the fat Indian guy, remember him?"

For fucks sakes!

Bored

My golly gosh I never thought that being unemployed would be so damn boring. I've usually thrived on unemployment, it's always been the best time of my life. I suppose any other time I'm unemployed Felix is aswel. Now Felix has got a job it's not so fun anymore...

He leaves for work at 7am and gets home at 7pm. I've never been away from him for such a long time every damn day. It's boring! Showtime in Dubai, for your information, is full of repeated 90s TV which is AWESOME for a day.

I've applied for literally every relevant job on Dubizzle and the Gulf News Classifieds. I'm sick to death of writing my name. What shits me the most about applying for jobs is that companies want you to have experience. In answering the fucking phone. I've had at lease 20 years experience in answering the phone. They also want you to have experience in computers. I literally spend 14 hours a day on computers, but that couldn't POSSIBLY count.

If I could get a certificate to say I am the geekiest fuck with computers and that I also know how to pick up a reciever and say "hello" I would prolly get 50 job offers a day.

Fucking Filipinos taking all my jobs.

Interview!

I got an interview! It says visa provided, which is basically the only reason I'm going to work. But the thing is, it's at Lamcys and that's a *long* way away from where I live. Well, the truth is I'm not sure that it's *at* Lamcys. That's just where he wants to meet. I think he was just trying to say a place that's near it that I would know.

He's excited because I'm Australian and I think he'll be even happier when he sees my certificate for participating in the barista of the year comp.

I think I might have to go down to the mall later on and change some money, because I think a taxi to Lamcys is going to cost quite a bit. Which sucks, because I don't think I'll be getting paid very much here and if the taxi ride costs more than an entire days work, then I really can't stay.

I just want the visa so badly! Plus I'm kind of exicted. He said it's only a small cafe, they're only starting out. Which in my mind means I'll have a bit of freedom, maybe a managment role in the future. That'd look freakin' awesome on my CV.

I'm seeing him at 5:30. Wish me luck!

The sea

Here I am, finally.

It's not even summer yet, and the sea is hot.

My God! The sea is hot? Does that even happen anywhere but here? My only memories of the sea from sad little holidays from my youth are of it being windy and cold near the sea. The water was like ice.

So is the sea being hot a Northern Hemisphere thing, or only a Persian Gulf thing?

The sea is also incredibly salty and you float like a poo. It's amazing! I like this part. I said to Felix, if I was to get shipwrecked, I'd rather get shipwrecked around this area. You'd be fairly fucked in the Indian Ocean.

Felix's brother wanted us go to scuba diving, but lordy I am afraid of fish. I have no idea why, I'm not afraid of them when they're in a little bowl, I'll even touch them like that. I just don't like it when I'm in their enviroment and they can bite my toes and I can't easily jump out and scream like a banshee. I'm scared!

It doesn't help to say that they won't hurt me either. If that worked then I wouldn't be afraid of moths.

My 14yo brother, from the computer:

Him: "Why is there RedTube and Xtube and stuff in the history?"

Me: "I've been stalking the fuck out of Tom Gaylord to find his facial video."

Him: "Ok."

My family is used to me.

Uhhhrrr...?

I just took a quiz on Facecrack and found out that I'm an emo. There you go! I wouldn't have put myself into the emo genre. If anything, I would've said I was one of the creepy band geeks who stares at the sexy boy in school and secretly masturbates under her desk.

Perhaps this quiz is only for school kids. When you get older, I guess you turn into a sad friendly person who likes to cut.

I hate *a* parent, but at the same time I'm mature enough to not *hate* him. I love him, but he's too much of a loon to put up with right now. Advantage of being older - When I hate my parents, I can move away. Win!

It also says that I should have some funky colour in my hair, and by rights I should. I've just been putting it off since the start of the year because at the end of the week I haven't had $15 to spend on a Fudge.

Last thing, which is totally wrong. It says I should have about 5 iPods and cameras. No, I don't. I'm not a rich cunts daughter. I don't own *one* iPod. I own CDs.

I'm not cool enough to cut.

Father

So, my dad hates Felix.

It's not just an ordionary hatred of your daughters boy friend, it's way more. He *hates* him. He told me, about 2 months ago this is, that I wasn't to bring Felix to his house anymore. I didn't answer him. He went out, Felix and I packed up our things and left.

For 1 month we didn't talk at all. I fully expected a phone call and a sincere WTF from him, but I didn't. I figured that he understood that he upset me and was letting me cool off.

So after this we start talking again, he comes and sees me at work etc. One day I mention Felix and he goes *very* quiet. "Okay", I think "You don't want to be hearing about him, I won't discuss him with you".

Then comes this opportunity to go to Dubai, because Felix got an awesome job. I tell dad we're going *soon* and he goes quiet again, but I assume he has heard me, and I go on my merry way.

Cut to this week, dad calls up and says "wanna have tea on Friday night?" And I say, "Well, Daddy. I think Felix and I are going to Dubai this week, so that won't be possible."

Que shit-storm. Dad goes nuts. Not only at me, but when my mum went to pick up my brother my dad cornered her and went nuts at her too. So now she's upset and wants me to make happy with him before we leave. FUCK THAT! I'm not going to reward him for calling my boyfriend a CUNT!

Would you, if your parent hated your lover to the core, act happy with them?

It's not only that he hates Felix so much, he also refers to my mother as "The Slut". I don't take kindly to people being rude to the people I love most, I don't care how much you hate them, you love them because I do.

And now I'm moving a million miles away. Fuck him.

Update, in bullet point form!

For your enjoyment. Longer updates coming up.

• I'm now estranged from my father.
• I'm moving to Dubai the day after tomorrow.
• I can't wait to GTFO this country.
• I'm a lazy slag.
• I just ate almost an entire block of chocolate.

Thx, bai.

When you Google "Gabriella Plymouth" this blog is the first thing to come up. Blegh.

Beggledorf!

Felix might be getting a job in Dubai within' the next few weeks. I try not to get my hopes up, because his dad *says* a lot of things. But it's still fun to get excited about things.

ZOMG! We could live in a little apartment in the city! Perhaps I could grow some tomatoes on the balcony... I wonder how they go in the Dubai heat? How will I go in the Dubai heat? My God, I won't be able to wear my longs anymore. I will, regardless. I never ever ever ever ever want to tan. I like the pale look. I look like a vampire.

I think I should become a gothic person. I have none of the attitudes (I guess, I don't really know any gothic people. They always seem sad) but I have the skin. When I dyed my hair dark, someone from work said it brings out my milky complexion. I love her now! Nothing is a bigger compliment than calling my skin "milky" or "pale". You may mean it as an insult, but it doesn't feel that way.

I'm a size 14 too *stress*. I can fit a size 12, and a size 10 on top. But a size 14 is comfortable. If I go to Dubai I'll only get fatter. Too hot to go outside! And usually in Dubai we eat out...

Maybe I can take up swimming though? I swam a lot in Dubai and I felt really good for it...

Yes. I will be a swimmer and I will have nice manly shoulders so that I can suck my victims blood in a tank top.

*Glee*! My goodness, I feel sorry for anyone who reads this blog. It's so... All over the place?




OH that's another thing! I'll be unemployeedd if I move to Dubai! MORE FUCKING GLEE! I hate work... So much. I can't wait to have Thomas' babies.

Self Medicating

I does it. I've been working flat out since I got to Australia and my feet have developed such pain. It's worse than the "I've been at work all day" kind of pain. It's unbearable.

I don't want to go to the doctor about it, because I don't want to be the person in her early 20s who needs to be going to the doctors about foot/back pain. Srsly, I need to be young before I have to worry about this crap. I'm already having a hard time thinking about "now or never" regarding children. I'm not ready now, but I want to have kids some day!

The only reason I'm not ready now is because of Felix. I beg him plz for teh bebies. Last night he said yes! But I think he was drunk... So I'm not taking his word for it.

Brunette again. Much better to make me look whiter. Yay! I'm not making sense... Calmitives mmm...

Zomg? Do I have to stop taking pills if I get pregnant? How will I survive 9 months without glorious myrsendol or coffee?

And sniffing stuff?

HOW WILL I SURVIVE??

Didn't Work

Mother fucker. I've been walking around with fucking orange hair for about a month now so I got Fudge's "whiter shade of pale". It's a toner and I thought it would be perfect to blonde up my hair.

Mother fucker did squat. FUCK!

Moving On

It's always been a foreign concept to me, moving on. How are you supposed to just "get over" someone close to you dieing. It's so very final. How am I supposed to move on with my life when their life played such a role in mine?

I'm talking about Bridget. It's been 10 weeks since she died and I still tear up thinking about her. It feels stupid that I do, because no one else is. Everyone else is just... Moving on. Even her sister, one of my best friends.

When Bridget died, it wasn't just losing a friends sister like it was for so many of my friends. When me and G were little I always used to hang out at their house with Bridget and G. They're only a couple of years apart and were often mistaken for twins.

When Bridget's first real boy friend broke up with her at school on paper me and G stalked the school for him. We were in year 12 and he was much younger, so we were quite intimidating. We let Bridget stay in our commonroom while we gave him a tongue lashing. Bridget could always rely on us to keep her safe.

I can't really talk to G about this. She revealed to me that it doesn't feel like Bridget is gone, just like she's on holidays or something. G was driving the car, but she doesn't remember. Bridget was sitting in the backseat and wasn't wearing her seatbelt. G lost control of the car and they crashed into a ditch. She wasn't drinking. She wasn't speeding. It's no way her fault, but she can't remember anything from that night. She doesn't know if she wants to.

I want to tell G that I still have panic attacks in the car while I'm driving home from work whenever I pass the cemetary. I want to tell her how I dream about B and how much I miss her, but I don't want to upset her. We really hadn't been that close last year, or really since we graduated. Last year especially because I was in New Zealand and G isn't really into Facecrack. I want to tell G about how much I regret not seeing her and B more toward the end.

I don't want to look at G like I do, with so much pity. I can't help it. I don't have a sister and Bridget was the closest I had. I want to tell her I feel her pain, even though it couldn't even be an ounce of what she feels.

I want to go back to December 26th and at least see Bridget. I miss her so much.

So talented. Check her Myspazz. She was going to be a rockstar.

www.myspace.com/theprettyundeadthings

Best. Kid. Ever.

Masochistism

I realise now why I can't not go through normal womanly monthly stuff without getting aggressive and depressed. I am a masochist.

Not in a creepy, sexual way. Not that I've ever tried BDSM or anything like that, it just doesn't really interest me. I like to be dominated but not humiliated.

I had a blood test last week sometime and I was reading on the wall what to do so that you don't get a bruise. So, for development purposes, I did the opposite. I went for a jog (OMG for a start!) I did some digging motions with my arm, I walked the dog, etc. I got a whopper of a bruise on my arm! It's the fricken AWESOME! I love it!

And I get sad thinking it will go away... I don't want to get into specifics but when Aunt Flo is visiting I am so very happy and exhausted and in pain. I'm so relieved. I guess the only reason I want it *fixed* is because I feel like I *have* to. I don't want to be barron and I don't want to be crippled, but is it okay that for now I love it?

Getting Better

Felix is going home on the 20th to help his parents move house. This was inevitable and his parents paid for his ticket back, although I would've loved to go with him, it just wasn't possible this time. Since Sydney Airport ate my passport I've felt so... Trapped. By the country. I need to get out! Yet also, since Sydney Airport ate my passport, I have to pay an additional $79 to get my passport. So unfair! My passport is going to be $280 I think. I don't make that much in one week at the moment, and Felix never did get that job. Living week to week sucks, although it can be exciting.

Example, Felix and I are in the city and starving. We're parked outside McDonalds. We had to search the entire car for coins and ended up with something like $17! We had quite the feast! It was so exciting. Although I would love to be able to afford to colour my hair, it's fairly drab at the moment.

I had a blood test today to see why I am the way I am. I hope it's something treatable! I'm tired!

I'm going to miss Felix terribly. I have such seperation anxiety.

I'll Update For Real When I Know For Sure

I'm most likely going to do my degree in Dubai, it seems. This excites me to no end, except I was looking forward to finally unpacking my bed into my new flat in Melbourne some time. Seems like it will be a good 4 years until I get to live in my beloved city. Even then, perhaps it will be back to En Zed again. *Sigh*. I wish I knew where I was going to end up. I don't even know what nationality my children will be let alone where I will settle down.

Very looking forward to Dubai, although it will mean that I have to save up a lot more money than I would have to if I was going to live in Melbournia. I need a ticket, Felix doesn't so much because his dad will pay. I also need a passport which will cost me $280 because I lost mine.

Gah. We're supposed to go back to NZ for Felix's birthday in March but there's no way on Earth we're going to be able to afford it. He's already got his ticket, though. And he's not going anywhere without me.

So I haven't written in a while. I don't owe you anything?

Just nothing has happened. I feel crappy.

Got a job. Felix almost does. K is going home. Prolly won't have our own place until April.

Meh

Oh my effing GOD

Fo srsly, I can't do this. I'm supposed to be missing a period this month in order to fix my baby-making parts in order to make babies. BUT I'm just so cranky and bloated and shit and gross.

My throat hurts. I need a cuddle.

Dramas

I went to my friend's funeral yesterday. I started to get mad at the celebrant talking about B, but then he soothed me. I suppose that's his job. I felt like quite a hypocrite , getting mad at people on Facebook talking about B and not knowing her and then letting this guy who REALLY didn't know her tell everyone about her.

He's good at his job.

Anyway he said something about letting B's death teach us to let go of everything that has the opportunity to poison our soul, or something. I thought of my God damn parents and how fucked up they're making my soul. Can I let go of them? No. But I can *try* to let go of what they do to me. I wish I could *actually* let go of them, like you would an ordinary relationship with a friend or lover. Parents are so fucked up. No one wants them but most of us have to put up with them. Then when you do leave them they get all needy and calling you.

Felix, K and I are all pissed at our parents. My parent troubles are nothing compared to Felix's. Felix's dad hasn't lived with his family since he was 4. He works O/S and it seemed like it worked really well for his family. Felix's mum is kinda extreme so I always thought "yeah, I'd do what E does too. Live OS and only have to put up with my extreme wife in doses." But while Felix was still in NZ he came on MSN and said that he needed to tell me something, but in person.

I asked him what he wanted to tell me the other day and he went all quiet. It turns out his dad has been cheating on his mum for years with various women. This didn't suprise anyone, of course. But what really upset Felix is that his mum told him that she once wrote a letter, because one of E's mistresses was planning to kill her. Felix has always felt the need to look after his mum and seeing her scared for her life just cracked him.

She's still not leaving E, though. She hasn't had a job since Felix was young and I suppose she's scared of being alone with no money. Felix's nanna doesn't even know and M is really close to her. It would kill her.

So I really don't have much to complain about when I think of Felix's parents. Sure, my mum cheated on my dad. But that was a good 19 years ago. My dad refers to my mum as "the slut". It breaks my heart.

I wish they'd be civil for my brother.

Update

Kay, so I didn't die, as much as you wish I did. A good friend of mine died on the 27th of December, though. So don't be so fucking insensitive.

Okay, so she was a best-friend's sister. But in the small town I grew up with it didn't matter how old they were, they're still your friends.

B died in a car accident with her two sisters in the car. The sister who is my age was driving. It's really tragic because it's not her fault. B wasn't wearing her seatbelt because they'd only just started driving. G wasn't speeding nor drinking. It's just a really tragic accident. The funeral is tomorrow and I'm going to look like a pig. I have a job interview before the funeral so they're going to think I'm gothic.

Perhaps they won't think I'm gothic. I looked in the mirror the other morning and squealed. I had a good 14 grey hairs just in the spot where hair turns to fringe. I cracked the shits and decided I would bleech the fuck out of my hair.

...

Still deciding if it was a mistake... It's kind of orange, but it's possibly an awesome orange? It kind of hurts my eyes to look at so I'm thinking sometime next week I'll put another blonde through it to make it look normal blonde. If my hair falls out... Well. I can pretend I shaved it for cancer or something.

So I've pretty much got two jobs. One is at Safeway and one is at McDonalds. Undeseriable, I know. What can you do in these uncertain times? Nothing. That's what you can do. I've always seemed to like my time at McDonalds so that should be okay. I'm kind of nervous about working at Safeway though. They seem to be very... Strict.

We'll see which one has the most money in it and go for it anyway! Both places are only able to give me 20 hours each so it's not like I'll be weird about working two jobs. I just hope they don't get jealous and fight with eachother.

Why can't everyone just get along???