Abandonment Issues

If you have them, please stop reading my blog.

So, things that have happened. I've come home sans Felix. I've got an imaginary polyp in my nose. I've applied for 40 different jobs only to be disappointed.

Okay, imaginary polyp.

I went to the doctors today about a polyp that has come back after a year. It's the same thing that I had diagnosed last year that never fully went away, but it's inflammed again and it's very sore. It's giving me some shocking hayfever symptoms and my nose is swollen.

He can't *see* it.

I can fucking see it with my naked eye! what the fuck is wrong with him? He was using a nose-looking-into-machine and I said to him that he's touching it and is looking past it. Doesn't listen.

Arrogant arsehole. He also jabbed me with cervical cancer vaccine. It hurt.

So tired and sick and angry. Felix is coming back on the 30th. I hope I get a job soon.

Mistake...

I tried something out with food... I tried to convince myself it was nice through tears of pain due to the eating of this thing.

I regret it now. Gut malfunction.

Things I'm looking forward to, in bullet point form.

• Christmas with my family, even though it's broken. I just can't wait to see them.
• Giving all the wonderful presents I brought to everyone. I'm a big presents person. Not for me - I love buying them for everyone.
• Going camping with my dad and my brother. I can't wait to relax and read a nice book by the river.
• hanging out with old friends and catching up.
• Going to Sydney with my mum to see all of my cousins. Two of whom are pregnant.
  
• Playing Singstar with my best friend J
• Working on Sunday's at my best friend J's business (she gave me a job, THAT'S a friend.)
• Applying for new and exciting jobs
• Meeting new friends at new and exciting jobs
• Living with Felix and K in our OWN house with our OWN things doing our OWN thing
• Seeing my grandma and giving her the magnet I got her in Dubai, that's her thing.
• Eating Mr Whippy icecreams in the sun
• Going swimming in the pool with my brother
• Seeing my brother
• Seeing my brother play sport
• Seeing my brother's new girlfriend
• Seeing my brother
• Seeing my brother
• Seeing my brother (I miss him)
• Wearing my cool new bathing suit which is teh sex
• Getting drunk with my mum... Most nights
• Sitting in the AC lounge eating icy poles and watching trash TV
• Seeing everyone
  

Hooray!

Hooray for December!

Hooray for being home soon!

Hooray for Christmas!

Hooray for me feeling sick as a dog...

Perhaps it's all in my mind though. I have 2 more shifts at work and I just really really don't want to go. I just want it to be over already! Coupled with my narcissistic "illness" I've got the sorest feet! They've never been so sore! I've been in tears over it and I can't sleep at night. I beg to be sent home from work but they just won't let me.

Is that illegal? I can't wait to be home in my own country where I know when things are illegal or not.

Speaking of illegal, I was thinking of becoming a surrogate mother. Perfect for me, since I get to be pregnant without the responsibility of a child! Then I realised that coupled with the fact that I would want the baby way too much by the end of the 9 months, it's illegal in Victoria.

Stink.

Work knows I'm quitting, so they're giving me shitty hours.

I don't know if it's as organised as that, but for the last couple of weeks I've been doing graveyards every fucking weekend. Okay, this wouldn't be such a problem except that during the week I have to work normal person hours. It's not right to make me work from 9pm-7am one day and then the next make me work from 8am until 4pm. Life and bodies just don't work like that.

I looked up my terms and conditions of employment last night and we're supposed to be getting more paid breaks than we normally do. I'll be bringing that one up tonight when I get to work.

Eep. I should be leaving.

I can't remember where my point is...

Maybe later.

Random Question Time!

Do babies get really uncomfortable when they are full-term? There's one of those baby tracker devices on a friend's blog and it shows the baby through the months. The baby is looking kind of cramped at the moment. I wouldn't want to be in there, is what I think. But then I remember that I actually was in there and I survived.

Felix is thinking of staying in NZ longer than expected. A wonderful sentiment to wake up to.

I don't feel like sleeping.

I don't feel like sleeping. Ever again. It seems like such a tedious exercise which amounts to nothing at this moment. I start work at 3pm and I feel like waiting up until then. Fucking graveyard fucking me the fuck up.

Ima sue. I have nothing to do online either. I might finish my book.

So. Not. Tired.

Pie

Felix has been cooking pies and I'm so proud of him. He makes his own pastry, everything is from scratch. It's just so amazing to me, like some weird science project. Like, for instance, he made a lemon merigue pie. You know the lemony filling? It doesn't just happen. You actually make it and it turns out the same as the frozen ones you buy from the shop. That's amazing to me.

They taste nice. Because he's cooking like this, it makes me want to open my coffee shop so much more. Imagine that- a cafe that makes their own food? Well, I'm sure they normally do. But mine doesn't so it's amazing to me. Especially since the things he makes are so nice and he loves doing it.

There was a point in his life when he actually wanted to be a chef, but he just threw it all away for no real reason. He seems to do this a lot, like he just gets bored with things. I'm in no rush for him to find himself, but his family is always pushing him. I'm happy with him the way he is just as long as it doesn't stop me from doing what I want to do, which it doesn't. I just wish he would have a job now.

I decided that I'm not going to get a job until after Christmas, because if I get a job now it won't be possible for me to take the holidays off, obviously. Felix and K are going to come on Boxing Day and mum and I will go and pick them up in Melbourne. Boxing Day shopping in Melbourne! Hooray! So excited. It almost makes those 2 weeks we'll be apart okay.

K wants a husky. I don't know how I feel about that. Felix and I already have a dog and I don't know about feeding, nor how long we're going to be in that particular town where having a backyard is an option. K doesn't even know how long he's going to be in Australia. I don't like people who will get an animal without knowing that they need to actually be there and look after it. I confronted him, but he says he'll take it back with him.

I sincerely hope so. I mean, it will be so damn cute, but he wants the kind that looks like a wolf. I would've gone for a brown one myself, I think they look kinder.

Anyway, who am I to talk? I want a kitten so badly. Between both of my parents houses we already have 4 cats.

I can't wait to become an old person so that I can become *the* crazy cat lady.

It's getting hot and I don't like it.

I'm not a fan of the heat, I'd rather be freezing cold and have to wear a fucking wood heater strapped to my chest rather than be hot and naked. That's a big thing to say because I'm a girl who likes to be naked. I think a like of the cold is supposably "morbid" but it's more the fact that I like to snuggle and be snuggled. So it's not gothic at all.

I was telling a girl at work today that I haven't brought any clothes in New Zealand, apart from a black singlet (from that God awful shop Supre. That store just freaks me out so much. Who the fuck are they marketing to?). She retorted that I'm gothic and such clothes are not widely sold in New Zealand. I considered this. For a while I haven't been able to find my difinitive style, but I wouldn't call me gothic. It depends on my mood of the day. I like to think that I dress in themes. Some days I'll be a pretty girl, sometimes a grungy girl, some days an indie girl. There's not many days I'm a gothic girl I must say.

I think I would like to introduce more gothic days.

I'm not feeling very up to it today. I worked graveyards over the weekend and it's fucked me up. When I go home, I'm getting a 9 to 5. *Dreams*

Woot!

For almost everything! I pwned Christmas shopping late last night. My friend J gets a t-shirt with "White Flour!" written on it and my brother gets a t-shirt with "save gas, ride the handicapped" on it. I can't believe I didn't think of t-shirt hell before now.

Although I feel like their stock has gotten less funny. Not enough updates if you ask me. I haven't been on that site in forever and they still haven't updated the baby clothes. I like the baby clothes.

Woot for Obama also! I cried a little, mainly because I'm quite sick. That's the un-woot bit. Glandular fever is reering it's ugly head- again. Work doesn't like me being there because of it, which sucks because I need to be earning money.

I've been asleep almost all day, waking up to the election every now and then. It sounds sad but it actually kinda rocked.

So happy.

Christmas Presents

I seem to be able to think of plenty of presents for me, but not for anyone else.

Coming home on the 8th of December means that there's the obligatory "I've been away for 8 months, here's what I got you in Dubai!" Then there's my good friend C's birthday on the 9th of December, so there's a birthday present. Then there's my brother, mum and dad. I don't know about getting presents for my mum and dad, though. They haven't been very nice this year.

Plus I don't know if they're getting me anything for Christmas. Expect I asked my mum to buy me Secret Diary of a London Call Girl by Belle De Jour. I've been reading her archieves. They awesome.

Felix and I watched the entire series and had sex after every show. That's 16 times.*


*We watched it over a couple of weeks. The episodes only go for 20 minutes and that's not really enough time to reload.

Oh HAI!?

Ruby Gloom is the cutest show ever! It's totally emo and stuff but that doesn't make me stop loving it.

Anyway, I'm moving home on the 8th of December. Felix is staying here for Christmas with his family, so we'll be apart for 2 weeks. I was super upset about it until I watched that reality show 30 Days where the Supersize Me dude does random things for 30 days. Him and his wife are okay being away from each other that long and he's in danger of being shanked and stuff, so I think we should suck it up.

Problem is that this was going to be our first ever Christmas together and I'm gutted it's not going to turn out. It just seems like this is the beginning of a slippery slope. Growing up in different countries means that someone is always going to be homesick and someone is going to be fine. Hopefully in Melbourne it will be different because it's neither one of our homes.

I needed to be home for Christmas though. My brother is only 14 and since our parents separated I feel like I'm the only secure person in his life. Last Christmas sucked nuts and the only thing consistent is that we were together the whole time. I didn't want to abandon him with my parents being such cunts to each other. Does a 14yo really have to witness that?

He broke his shoulder and my parents even faught infront of the doctors. I feel so guilty for leaving him.

Moving Home!

Yay! Eventually, anyway. I just can't wait though.

I think we've roped Felix's friend K into coming with us to Australia, which means less of a monetary burden on us. Although it makes some things difficult (we buy a sofa- do we split it in thirds?) the pros outweigh the cons.

I've always said that I don't want to live with roomates, but K is cool. He's my babysitter when Felix doesn't want to look after his baby (when I have one).

Speaking of babies, apparently I'm doing a lot of harm to myself because I'm not on any drugs for my endometriosis. The gynecologist said that every time I get my period it's getting worse and worse, until it turns into something massive. This just pisses me off because I actually *like* having my period so that I have an excuse to have a rest. I don't care if that's sick, that's the way I likes it.

Also the drugs make me so fat and I'm just not willing to give up my body so that I can feel less like a woman.

Why Do You Foresake Me?

I had the most vivid dream last night. I was pregnant, but not heavily pregnant. Enough for people to notice. Instead of having a nice bump I was just kind of ugly and fat, but none the less I was thrilled. I was pregnant at the same time as a friend, maybe a sister, I'm not sure. We were close. It might have been my cousin. She asked me, when I come back to Australia, whether I can please save her. I said yes.

So I've not been up long and I'm worried about my cousin. And upset to find I'm not pregnant.

I'm going to have a shower.

Mute

I don't really have much to report other than everyone keeps commenting on what a good job the *hairdresser* did on my fringe. Fuck yeah. Maybe I should quit my dream of film making and become a hairdresser.

Yeah. Right.

Lazy

I'm so lazy, I cut my own hair. Really it wasn't a full hair-cut. I only cut my fringe. It had to do with a lack of money but it was mostly me being too lazy to make an appointment.

I'm so lazy that I can't be bothered canceling my gym membership. It's also something to do with not being in town when the fucking gym opens, but mostly the fact that I'm scared of them saying "but Gabriella, you're still fat." I know they're not going to say that, but I can hear them thinking it. I need to cancel it though because I start work at 6am, finish at 1:30pm. And I love it. It just means that I can't get to the gym because it closes for 4 hours during the day, the only time of the day I'm able to get there. Why the fuck would it close in the first place? Mother fuckers. They're the lazy ones.

The new Kate Miller-Heidke album comes out tomorrow. Here's a listen:

http://www.nova100.com.au/site/new_music/kate_miller_heidke.aspx

I'm so lazy I can't be bothered making this blog entry make sence.

I took a photo of my fringe. I think I did a pretty damn good job, but I couldn't get myself to look steamy and hawt in the photo so I ditched it.

I'm so lazy I can't be bothered going to the doctors to get my Provera perscription filled so as to not get my period and almost die every time. I don't feel like a woman if I don't get my period. It's said and done. I like getting my period despite the pain because I like order and organisation and I don't feel complete if I don't bleed half to death every 28 days. But now I'm thinking that I might actually be making myself sick and my endometriosis worse if I keep getting my period.

Typical Australian attitude: I'll be 'right.

Neglectful

It hasn't been a month, but we're not far from it.

Hello!

It's not really that I've been busy, it's more that I've been tired. Working 5 days on, 2 days off is just too much for my whinging little body to handle! This is my pretend-Sunday, so it's almost over. On the bright side- on my pretend Monday I don't have to start until 3pm. Hooray! Imagine if that was true for everyone? What a happy humanity this world would have?

Felix and I should be moving to Melbourne within the next 30ish days, if everything goes to plan. Friday he's going into his old job and is going to ask if he can work for a month. We're fairly confident that they'll let him. The only thing that has stopped him going in before now is that I'm deathly scared of this house and I can't imagine being on my own here. I'm tearing up a little thinking about it.

Another bright side- I get to sleep with a baseball bat next to the bed. Awesome.

I'm felling so trapped in NZ now. As much as I love it, I miss my family. Not only that- I miss my country. I never ever ever thought I'd say that. Australia is very *very* wankery. I miss the wankerism.

Felix doesn't want to leave here, and we're going to be coming back to NZ for Christmas and in March. I just can't live here anymore. This was supposed to be a 6 month adventure at the most and it's just too much for me now. I can't keep going to work every single fucking day without there being any let up.

I'm not looking forward to going home to my parental situation though. They both tell me things that they hate about each other. I wish they would shut the fuck up and grow up!

And their daughter shouldn't have to tell them that.

Where the Frick am I?

I'm in Dubai, that's the frick where!

I'm sorry for not keeping my loyal peepz up to date, but I've been very very busy. Plus I've been a little afraid also. I don't want to get Felix's parents into trouble for me visiting dodgy sites, so I've just gone cold turkey.

I haven't been following anyone. Not even the tamest of tame.

Anyway, staying here has been nice. We still have a little while to go and I'm fricked. So very, very tired. Felix's mum *insists* that we get up at an *ordionary* hour. I'm sorry, WOMAN, but I WORK from FIVE THIRTY every MORNING in NZ! I think I deserve a fucking holiday!?

I'm really worked up over her. I just can't cope. This is, after all, a holiday. It's not my job to keep her entertained.

Perhaps I should suggest that she get a job, istead of bumming off her husband?

Perhaps not.

Anyway, normal schedling will apply once I get back home. Perhaps. Maybe.






No one emails me to tell me that they miss me!

Exercise.

Everyone talks about how this act of "exercise" creates some kind of invigoration and releases endorphins, making you feel more energetic and less depressed.

Well, I don't feel it. It may be the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but shit. I just feel FUCKED after I exercise. My depression has spiraled in the past couple of weeks, when I've been going to the gym more. I've cried at work twice in 2 weeks because of stress.

I don't think the exercise thing is working on me.

The problem might be that I work too hard at it? My heart rate gets up to 29 (in 10 seconds I think) and the instructor tells me to settle down. If I do less, I feel lazy. There's 80yos there working their butts off and I'm supposed to be settling down, it doesn't sound right.

So I have a fast heart rate maybe, is there something I can do about that?

I'm not losing any weight, but I am feeling skinnier so I don't want to leave it just yet. I just don't want to be tired anymore.

'Night

Motherhood

I'm a very clucky person. A couple of years ago I decided that I wouldn't actively *try* to get pregnant unless I had a really good reason for bringing a human life into the world. I also decided that "I just want a baby" isn't enough.

But is it?

Why do people have children?

I've thought of a couple of scenarios. One, which is most common to me, is that there are so many motherly hormones running through their brain screaming "If I don't hold my own spawn in the next 9 months I will DIE". This, I suppose, is a natural instinct for young women. It comes back from the old days when you were *supposed* to be married with 3 children by the time you were my age.

Two is because they have issues. I don't think this one applies to me, but I assume some people have babies so that they have *something* to love. People who weren't hugged enough as children and don't have a loving partner might fall into this category. They want something that is entirely theirs so that they can smother it with all the love they desire and hope that they will unconditionally get it back.

Three is to trap somebody into a relationship with them. This one definitely doesn't apply to me (OR DOES IT??). I heard it on Dr Phil. This girl was with a guy who totally didn't want to marry her or anything, but when she got pregnant he respectfully asked her to marry her. This is such a wrong reason for wanting a child. The child is then merely a fragment holding two people together. It is not the center of their worlds. It is the keeper.

So, out of those three, there is no great a holy explanation for wanting to have a child. What other legitimate reasons are there? I don't want to be in my late 30s before I realise what the perfect reason for having a child is.

Maybe the reason to have a child is that you have found the person you love and want to put your DNA with his and create something wonderful. That seems like an okay reason to me.

Either way there's no fucking way in hell they're putting a big motherfucking needle in my SPINE! Natural for me.

Weekend

I worked from midnight to 7am on Friday night. I was okay, until about 3am when I got pretty groggy. By 6 I was kind of pacing around the store (think Apu when he worked for 3 days straight). I fell asleep on the ground at 6:30 and woke up at 6:50 when my manager asked if I wanted her to drive me home. By that time, Felix was already on his way into work, so I said don't bother.

Everyone was getting freaked out by me. Apparently I looked a lot like shit? Nice one, co-workers.

Work is all sorts of fun at the moment. On the 4th of August we're going assailing and then doing a mud-run? There will be about 4 of us doing this, since no one joined the social club. I don't really know how we'll be paying for it if we joined last week and we're only paying $2 a week.

August is the time, eh? My birthday is on September the second, so August is a big preparation month for the most important day of the year. After August comes Gabriella month in which everyone celebrates the birth of Gabriella. For a month. I am no for kidding, this is how I roll.

Big E just called and said "want to come over on August 1st?" NO. Fuck. This is exactly what he's like. It doesn't matter that I have a job and need to give at *least* 2 weeks notice before jetsetting around the world. No, that doesn't matter, because he wants it to happen NOW.

I'm so angry at the man, even though he offered to pay my way. *Glee*.

Beef stir-fry for dinner tonight. I'm looking forward to the noodles... Let's see how this works out.

OMG OMG OMG

Big E (Felix's dad) just called from Dubai. He wants to know if we'd like to come over.

Fuck yeah? Where's the question?

We just need to pay off Felix's credit card and off we fucking go! We'll prolly do a stop-over in Australia first up, so that I can get some summer clothes? Hells yeah.

I'm too excited to do a real update.

Wahhh!!

I'm hysterical.

My ovaries are definitely *NOT* laying rainbows. They're laying nasty eggs full of death of failure. And it HURTS!

Sometimes, I hate so much being a woman. I'm due this week, this week I am also scheduled to work 6 DAYS in a FUCKING row. So what am I supposed to do? I told them that I can't work that much in a row because I *will* get sick due to CFS. So they are trying to get me a day or two off, but it will end up me calling in sick.

I don't like calling in sick. I may be a lazy fat-arse with a lack of morals, but I just don't like putting people out. Even though I work in an industry where most people can learn how to do what I do in one 8 hour period it just feels wrong that other people have to catch my arse. You know?

You know.

But it's going to have to happen. I'm already in excruciating pain and the show hasn't even begun. People haven't even started lining up outside yet. The tickets haven't even been sold.

That doesn't mean that I'm not having menses contraptions that even birthing women are hard up on.

So. I'm going to have to call in sick again this week. I did last week for my faux-apendicitiis. Shit.

Maybe if I talk to my supervisor it will be okay. She was really cool about the CFS and went out of her way to fix up my hours. All the girls bitch about her at work, it's so schoolish. Maybe because I'm older and wiser I understand that she's not a bitch if you don't treat her like shit.

She's pretty nice to me and my ills.

Sorry about the period post. Deal with it.

Shut. Down.

Don't you feel so womanly, when you roll over to your half-naked partner and begin to fondle him. You're beginning to get all hot when he slurs "Not tonight baby, I'm not in the mood."

Who the hell is the woman here? Am I alone?

I must admit I am quite masculine when it comes to sex and horniness. I'm always ready to go and I'm always asking for it. Felix, on the other hand is more of a "lets wait a couple of days and it will be twice as good!" kind of person. Our two sexual personalities are the original odd couple. Of course, I'm the dirty one with a lack of morals.

It makes me totally insecure to be shut down the way I am though. I'm sitting in bed right now by myself while Felix is on the PC playing some interweb gaming thing. He'd rather do that, than do me.

Well don't I just put the U in U.G.L.Y?

I have *got* to get to the gym tomorrow lest my mother be thinner than me. I *will* kill myself if that happens.

That is a slight overestimation.

I finished reading Diablo Cody's archives

I feel so alone.

Da da da DA!

20 posts!

I'm such an experienced writer.

Next week I'm working 6 days in a row and I am just so gutted. I had a massive panic attack last night and stressed at Felix that he *needs* to get a job *so* much. It's kind of impossible for me to downsize my hours if I'm going to be supporting myself and a grown man on my own. Making fucking coffees for a living.

I already have a case of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome offset from my Glandular fever earlier in the year. My immune system is so shot. Which sucks, because my dad has diabeetus (the kind that doesn't involve being so obese that your pancreas decides to shit itself). My mum always used to freak when I got a cold or something. Apparently if my immune system goes on holidays and the diabeetus gene decides to take a shot I'm done for.

So yeah. At the moment my preferences say 40 hours max and I'm getting up to 50. I'm going to change it down to 30 hours max. Maybe 35.

I can't fucking wait for next year when I don't have to work! I wouldn't go as far as to say that I miss *school*. As in highschool. I fucking hated highschool so passionately that if it was ever my fate to go back to highschool I would mutilate every functioning part of my body in order to avoid that experience again.

But I digress. University is going to be a pool full of sexy mermaids screaming for my love and attention. I'm going to love every minute of the poverty stricken wonderfulness that is *not working for a full 12 months*.

It's not like I won't be getting any money in, I can collect the student allowance. Which I might add is less than the dole (unemployment, for all of youse foreigners). Australia is so backward. It gives less money to students studying to be professionals and therefore add a lot to society than to those who are most likely bums who have no hope in life and if they *do* manage to get a job it will be a lowly labourers job which anyone could do. Such a job will be low paid and as such the bum will pay less taxes and not build as much roads as *I* will with my movie-maker wage.

AND WE NEED ROADS GOD DAMMIT!

In Other News

Japanese horror films freak Felix out. Hur hur hur hur hur.

Random fact that I was told today which cracked me up.

Angry.

Mummy wants me to come home because I'm *stressed*. Nawww. It makes me feel happy that she wants me home, but I can't come home yet. Not until Felixes mum comes back to this 3rd world country and looks after EvilCat. Fucking EvilCat. Have I told you about the horrors?

As you can probably guess, EvilCat is evil. An evil little cunt of a pussy. He's a coward, and he will attack you when you least expect it. He will bite your poor delicate ankles when you don't even deserve it. He makes me waa like a fucking ho. I hates him, but Felix loves him. Reason number ONLY that we're in this country- EvilCat. Felix didn't want mummy to give him away. We MUST come back here and earn $9.45 an HOUR for BACK BREAKING (coffees) WORK while I sit on my ARSE!

I am so angry lately, it's amazing. I want to start a detox diet thing... But I'm so low on willpower. So so so low on willpower. Plus I hate cabbages. I hate a lot of things, but I've been thinking of eating more things that grown in the ground (that aren't psychadelickz, imagine what THAT shit would do to my stomach lining).

Speaking of psychadelickz, my 15yo work colleague asked me if I've ever tried "mushies". The fuck is wrong with kids today?

I'm so fucking grumpy I could DIE.

Roar

So, today started off fairly shitfully. I woke up at 4 in the fucking afternoon which just shits me so much. When I was younger it was a badge of honor, but now it just feels like such a waste of time. Today was supposed to be mine and Felixes day of sexy-sexy time, but we wasted a lot of it.

I still feel really sick, but it comes and goes so sexy-sexy time can still be for filled. Tomorrow will have to be library time, but I also want to do something else cool. Felix suggested rock-climbing but I don't think it would be a smart thing to do while I'm recovering.

And anyway, I want to look pretty.

Maybe we'll go see a movie. We saw Hancock and I thought it was cool, even though I was rolling around in pain at the time.

Books I want to read

1. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
2. The last Harry Potter but fuck knows what it's called?
3. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
4. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
5. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
   

This is all for now.

I just got home from the hospital and have been diagnosed with inflammation of the stomach lining? The fuck? Anyway, it's coming back pretty bad right now. Feels like apendancididitisis.

On the plus side, I have tomorrow off and can go to the library! Hooray!

Cosy

I'm now one of those people that get up at 4:30am and get to work at 5:30am. I'm one of the morning people and I am tired. But I'm not grumpy tired, which is odd. I'm just kind of cosy tired in a comfortable kind of "I could go to sleep right now with a smile on my face" way.

Everyone at work is complaining that they're not getting enough hours... And I don't want to bitch in front of them about OMG 6 DAYS IN A ROW?? Am I a fucking slave now? So... So so tired. SO TIRED!

But comfy.

But also very tired.

Nostlagia

Last night I discovered my CD collection was in my suitcase. I cried. I'm so fucking hormonal it's amazing. I shouldn't be, but I can't explain it any other way. I had a huge-arse panic attack last night aswel. It was crazy and my brain was rational but I was sobbing and gasping for breath.

Although, tonight I'm listening to my brother's Jet and I'm keeping it together. That might have something to do with me being excited to go to work at 5:30am tomorrow. I'm training in a new area. I love it when something different and (partially) exciting happens in my life.

In 2 weeks time there's a competition in NZ which is the "Best Barista in NZ" comp. On the 12th to the 28th they'll be secret shoppers coming into my store and rating me on my;

• Milk- quality/heat/presentation and origionality (artyness)
• Presentation (how hot I am)
• Customer relations (I'm a real suck-arse so I'm good for this one)
• Something else... Can't remember

I'm seriously thinking I could win this shit. They get the best person from your store and then you go to a thing with all the stores from your area and the best one from that goes to the nationals... In Auckland. Auckland is a bit of a bum-hole but I'll go there for MONEY!

$5000 in prizes to be exact.

I'm pretty fucking good I must say, so I'm fairly confident.

Also, I went to curves today. I did amazingly and crazy-worked out. I was looking around at all the fat people. It was only me and one other girl who weren't morbidly obese. Did these other women think that they should get really fat before doing something about it? Did they not realise that all their clothes weren't fitting?

Fat people are retarded.

Money money money

I spend entirely too much of it.

We've decided that next year while I'm studying it will be too much for me to be working aswel. So from May next year until May the following year I won't be working. I'll be a full-time student. Which means that for the time being it's save, save save. Which is all kind of exciting. It feels like this new chapter in my life is rapidly approaching and I just can't wait!

But on the other hand, I love spending money.

Hello my name is Gabriella Plymouth and I am a shop-a-holic.

I was just reading Cosmo and apparently I earn 50% less than the average Australian woman. Are they basing this on people my age or not? That seems like way too much. Although, at the moment (in NZ) I'm earning 480 p/w for 40+ hours. That doesn't seem like enough.

That's before tax.

Felix needs a job.

Hiccups

I has them. They're not ordionary ones either. They're more of burping *hic*s. It kinda hurts. Plus it's gross.

I went to the gym tonight, but only for 20 minutes (you go for half an hour at Curves) because it's pizza night tonight... A tridition decided on last night. Nice. Except my pizza was kinda shit. And now I'm all gassy and hiccy.

So today I became a slave-monkey and was forced to work in the fast-food area of the restarant. Drive-thru, to be exact. This damned country, fucking fuck. I was standing *outside* taking orders (why? Racism, that's all it can be down to) when it started fucking hailing. *Hailing* people. R U SRSLY DOOD? Something that kind of disturbed me was that my ears felt like they were going to come off... Are my ears that sticky-outy? No one has told me this before...

This God-damned laptop needs some Firefoxing. I don't know if what I'm spelling is legible or not. I don't care if it isn't. You know what I'm getting at.

It's the Liiiooonnn Maaannn

Doin' all he can!

When my mum and brother come over in September we're sooo going to see that.

Speaking of going and seeing things, I kinda thought it would be cool to go to Canada for my birthday if we had the money. So I emailed my friend to see what she thought. Her and my best friend from Australia are going to Disneyland on my birthday. Fucking Disneyland. Fo shizz. I mean come ON. Nice excuse? What the fuck is wrong with me that they don't even want me to come half way accross the world to see them?

So, update, I have no friends. Confirmed today by my Aussie friend not texting me her cell phone number. I'm a total loner.

So then we thought we could go to Vegas for my birthday. Natch, that won't work. Thailand looks totally cool though. I think Thailand.

I'm not turning an interesting number, I just want it to be fun this year.

If that doesn't work I will settle for a digital camera.

I want pretty hairs

There's a flier up at my gym which says something about signing up to get your hair experimented on by a hairdresser in town. It sounds like fun, but do I have to sign a contract or something saying that if they shave me I can't get pissed? Because as much as my hair is drab and shitty right now, I still want it to look okay.

I don't think I'd like another perm. I like my hair when it's straight now.

Also, do you think that they'll charge me? I hope not, I don't have any money.


I wonder if they'll wax my 'brows.

OMG I hate this country

Today was my second day of work. Holy mother fucking shit. I'm so fucked. Like a genius, Felix and I decided we would make a rabbit hutch on Monday with some of his grandparents old wood (hur hur hur) and stuff. It had sand flies ALL over it, and I only realised until I had 40 million of them eating my ankles. Que swollen, sore and itchy feet.

Add working on them for 18 hours and mix with a little PMS.

I'm a sad, angry, itchy little girl.

On the bright (ish) side, I'm going to the gym tomorrow. Horray for my health kick! I just finished off the Tim-Tams...

Mmmm, unnecessary food...

I need to stop eating before I become a dead, bloated cow on the side of the road awaiting a dead-cow pick-up truck to take me to the pie factory. Seriously, this is how desperate the situation is becoming. I made home-made chicken kiev with roasted italian potatos and a mountain of peas, corn and carrots. Fuck yeah. And Felix won't even clean up the kitchen. Are you kidding me? Never, EVER cooking for him EVER again. From now on, it's all ME baby. I'll clean up after MYSELF.

But if I do that then I'll prolly have to sleep in a different room. There's all sorts of crap all over the floor in here, as our bedroom doubles as our lounge. Turning my head to the left I see 3 bags of rubbish (THANK YOU GABRIELLA for putting the rubbish INTO bags, a routine I am YET to grasp). To my right there's not too much; the heater, a powerboard (which switches off when there's too much plugged into it, nice work designers. A powerboard which can only take as much as a double adapter. Real good design.) 2 dirty bowls with old corn dogs in them. An almost-empty juice bottle. I suppose that is kind of shitty, considering how normal people's houses look like.

Felixesses friend is coming to stay next week. No, he's not from out of town, he just hates his family right now. I think it's because his mother doesn't cook for him? Okay, big boy. Cook for your God damn self. If you're going to leech off your parents for this long, then why not cook for them or something? I couldn't even imagine leeching off my parents for so long. I was planning on moving out ever since I was 15. I couldn't wait.

Even though now we're living in Felixes Mum's house... At least no one else is. And we're buying our own food... N shit.

Shut up. I can't wait to live in Melbourne, with my beautiful house and helpful boy friend to keep it clean. Me, with my feet up on my beautiful coffee table watching Greys Anatomy on my beautiful flat-screen TV.

*Sigh* I'm allowed to dream.

Stroke my massive ego

Finally, somebody wants me. And like a daddy-issues teen I've attached to them and I love them with all my heart, and if they break it I will become a cutter and dye my hair black.

Ahem. Moving on.

So now I'm a barista. I heart that word. Barista. Bar-Is-Tah! It's ever so much fun. I love teh coffee and I love teh milks and I love teh chocolate. I love my job!

Even though I haven't *exactly* started. I have a shift on Tuesday which is 8 hours, yikes! I haven't worked 8 hours straight since I was a slave driven tween. It should be fine though, I should be all rested up after my month of unemployment. *Yawn*.



Also, visit www.ecoist.com (it's in my links section) and buy me things that I can't afford. Kthx!

Rejection

She is a cruel, cruel mistress.

Rejected from another job. What *don't* I have? Is that too hard a question? I'm qualified, I'm putting myself out there. I don't like being this vulnerable. Not one bit.

I guess it's another late night of drinking and listening to songs which remind me of an easier time. Yayz.

Though at the time they didn't seem easy. I'm thinking that maybe I'm just an attention-seeking whore who needs something to wollow about at all times.

Meh. I love unemployment. I just wish I had enough money to enjoy it to it's fullest.

I'm not asleep yet

But I'm shaking like a bitch...

I feel sick.

Argh

I hate Felix for doing this to me. I'm having so much trouble typing right now it's crazy. It's like I've never even used a keyboard.

Anyway, to why I hate Felix.

He messed up my body clock. I can't even really explain it without drawing you a diagram, but then again I can't be fucked drawing you a diagram. So here I go. Monday the 26th of May I didn't go to sleep until about 8am from probably 6pm. And then Monday night I stayed up until 12pm, Tuesday. Then I woke up at 4pm when Felix and I went to his grandparents house for dinner (with a FUCKING shocking headache, I might add). So when we came home at say, 7pm I went to sleep and woke up at 12 midnight. It's now Wednesday at 9.21am and I haven't slept...

Yet.

Is that not crazy to you (you, as in the blogosphere)? Who the fuck does that? Then, when I try to go to sleep at about 3am or so, I go nuts. I get all panicy and crazy. This house scares the fucking shit out of me is why. I get an awful vibe from this house. It's a freaky house. It's cold and it's not *home* I suppose. It always feels like someone is right behind me and they're going to grab me.

So then I don't sleep until 12pm the next day and fuck myself right up by waking up while it's dark and thinking it's the next morning.

I can't keep doing this. I'm so sick. I've had a full on headache from a couple of days ago, when all of this started. And it probably all started when the future mother in law left. It was like we were a couple of kids and we wanted to stay up allllll night just because we could. Now look what we've done. We're all kinds of fucked up now.

And I can't go downstairs or else I'll clean.

I just came back from a half hour walk around the block. There's lots of hills here, so that was hard. It's about 4 degrees c and I'm in a singlet now. Totally fucked, but on the plus side it's really beautiful.

So tonight I'm going to take a couple of myrsendol and hop into bed at about 12 midnight. I told Felix he needs to stay up to protect me from the Boogeyman. Fuck this house is scary. I think it will help me sleep if he's awake, and anyway, he hates going to bed "early".

On that note, there's some washing that needs to be done. Kthxbai

Why not make a second post, Gab?

Ugh. Finally I can get down to this project. It's been a long, stressful and sad couple of weeks and it's all but over. Felix and I have only just gotten to be on our own after so long. You see, we've moved back to his home town because his Mum is going to stay with his Dad for 6 months. Confusing, much? I know, but I'm not into elaboration right now.

So. She's left. We're alone. I suppose I had placed so much on this time and I've been kind of let down. I just want my *own* house. Not my parents house, my house. My house which I own. I want to be able to hang up my pictures and if a long weekend is coming up, I want to be able to say "hey, I would like to paint that wall purple" and the only person I have to convince is Felix.

Felix is not a cat. Felix is my fioncee. He likes cats.

In other news, I need my eyebrows waxed and my haircut. I can't afford these things because I have been unemployed for over a month and the money is dwindelling. What did I expect? I suppose I'll just have to put my application in at McDonalds.

Again.

Maybe in another week. I like unemployment. Is that so wrong? I like having time to myself and be able to do what ever I want (as long as it is free, of course). Why is that looked down on so much in society?

Fucking Gen X.

First Post From A Bored Woman...

So. This is it so far, I've set up my links and colours. I'm big on changing colours so don't get too used to it.

I'll be moving within the next couple of weeks, so if I don't post too much don't put it down to lack of wanting to post, more of lack of inspiration. Not that there isn't anything happening in my life, just deciding what's happening and such means that you have quite a strain on your energy.

'Night.