Exercise.

Everyone talks about how this act of "exercise" creates some kind of invigoration and releases endorphins, making you feel more energetic and less depressed.

Well, I don't feel it. It may be the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but shit. I just feel FUCKED after I exercise. My depression has spiraled in the past couple of weeks, when I've been going to the gym more. I've cried at work twice in 2 weeks because of stress.

I don't think the exercise thing is working on me.

The problem might be that I work too hard at it? My heart rate gets up to 29 (in 10 seconds I think) and the instructor tells me to settle down. If I do less, I feel lazy. There's 80yos there working their butts off and I'm supposed to be settling down, it doesn't sound right.

So I have a fast heart rate maybe, is there something I can do about that?

I'm not losing any weight, but I am feeling skinnier so I don't want to leave it just yet. I just don't want to be tired anymore.

'Night

Argh

I hate Felix for doing this to me. I'm having so much trouble typing right now it's crazy. It's like I've never even used a keyboard.

Anyway, to why I hate Felix.

He messed up my body clock. I can't even really explain it without drawing you a diagram, but then again I can't be fucked drawing you a diagram. So here I go. Monday the 26th of May I didn't go to sleep until about 8am from probably 6pm. And then Monday night I stayed up until 12pm, Tuesday. Then I woke up at 4pm when Felix and I went to his grandparents house for dinner (with a FUCKING shocking headache, I might add). So when we came home at say, 7pm I went to sleep and woke up at 12 midnight. It's now Wednesday at 9.21am and I haven't slept...

Yet.

Is that not crazy to you (you, as in the blogosphere)? Who the fuck does that? Then, when I try to go to sleep at about 3am or so, I go nuts. I get all panicy and crazy. This house scares the fucking shit out of me is why. I get an awful vibe from this house. It's a freaky house. It's cold and it's not *home* I suppose. It always feels like someone is right behind me and they're going to grab me.

So then I don't sleep until 12pm the next day and fuck myself right up by waking up while it's dark and thinking it's the next morning.

I can't keep doing this. I'm so sick. I've had a full on headache from a couple of days ago, when all of this started. And it probably all started when the future mother in law left. It was like we were a couple of kids and we wanted to stay up allllll night just because we could. Now look what we've done. We're all kinds of fucked up now.

And I can't go downstairs or else I'll clean.

I just came back from a half hour walk around the block. There's lots of hills here, so that was hard. It's about 4 degrees c and I'm in a singlet now. Totally fucked, but on the plus side it's really beautiful.

So tonight I'm going to take a couple of myrsendol and hop into bed at about 12 midnight. I told Felix he needs to stay up to protect me from the Boogeyman. Fuck this house is scary. I think it will help me sleep if he's awake, and anyway, he hates going to bed "early".

On that note, there's some washing that needs to be done. Kthxbai