I got my nose pierced. Apparently in ancient Indian medicine there is a nerve in the left nostril that directly effects the female reproductive system. It's supposed to make child-birth less painful and makes period pain less painful. Right now I can't vouch for it, but I needed it since now I'm officially an art student.

"Started" my course yesterday. I say that, but it's really more of a start for them. I got an email yesterday saying that I'll get all my course material within' the next 8-10 days. It makes me wonder why they didn't send them 8-10 days ago but whatever. I'm really excited and yet nervous about starting. What if I'm hopeless and I have no one immediately to ask? Apparently they have tutors that you can ask so it seems like a really great system they've got but I'm still worried. 

I shouldn't underestimate myself so much. I'm thinking of going for a different job now. I really am sick of the hospitality industry and just want something new. I feel so guilty now since my boss is being super awesome and nice lately. It's really nothing to do with that. It's just that I'd rather do something in retail and not have to wear a fucking hat to work (I hate hats). I'd be able to wear almost what ever I want (as long as the store sells it). I'd be able to wear all my ear piercings and my nose (!) and I'd just feel better about myself. Working in hospitality is just degrading and I want a change.

I'm not going to quit before I get another job anyway. Won't make that mistake ever again.

Back to pain... Owwwww

Patrick and his wives

I have a new fish. Her name is Patricia and she is Patrick's wife. Patrick is going to have 3 wives; Patricia, Reginna and Cruelia.

Patrick is one lucky man. Lucky because I can't put any other fish in his tank because he's a fighter fish. Bastard.

Future

I've just got off the phone with my mother-in-law. She's a talker, but I'm in a talking mood so I didn't mind spending an hour and a half on the phone. I just realised that she was talking to me about doing a course, which she knows I'm already doing. Everyone seems to be against the idea of me doing this course by corrospondance and it's making me crazy. I'm really looking forward to this course and finally having a really awesome qualification but everyone seems to think I'm going to fail. I guess it's only making me more determined... But fuck!

Cold has become a cough now too. I'm loving this weather.

Pig

Yesterday, I was feeding my dog Pig his usual caserole looking canned food. I actually thought it looked alright while I was pouring it out. He obviously disagreed because he looked at me, looked at the food, walked up and pissed on it. I just looked at him. Dumbfounded. What the balls is wrong with this dog?? He's getting so skinny now and he just pissed on his food?

I'm very angry at him but despite that he's now sleeping under my feet. Little dog is lucky there's a thunderstorm outside and he's cute.

Fat Jokes

I'm the kind of girl who can poke fun at herself about just about anything but absolutely not fat jokes. I just can't take it and it's not because I am fat; I'm not. I really like my body and while I exercise regularly it's not to lose weight as much as to maintain my health and loosen up my hips (damn hips!). I was making fun of my mum's lazy boyfriend because damn, that man is LAZY and he said something about my arse being fat and I just... Went quiet. I just don't like it one bit but how am I supposed to bring that up without looking like a dick?

...

I've been in so much pain with my fucking grandma hips lately. They've been achy since I was about 15 and I always just thought it was endo but now learning that there's really no active endometriosis what the fuck is causing the pain? It's really exhausting because now I have some completely unrelated problem with my hips and I just don't know how to approach it. Do I ignore it? Because I know that can only end badly. I just seriously can't.be.fucked to do anything about it. Gah!

Growing Up

Is it really optional as the motivational posters say? Or did you ever think "Man, I am fucking grown up now I've done *this*".

THE day I felt grown up was the 6th of September 2007. I'd just got my license and I was driving to my mum's house. On my own. With no one else in the car. On that very moment I knew that I was grown up.

It's been 8 years and I haven't had such a grown up moment since. I've lived overseas, I've paid bills, I've been serious with my boyfriend for lyke EVAH, but I've never felt as grown up as I did driving in the car by myself.

I think it's because of my lack of a proper job, excluding my catering manager BS job in Dubai because if you don't make the money then it's volunteer work; Volunteering doesn't count. Felix and I have never lived *alone* in our own place despite being together for coming up 6 years *ahh!*. I suppose since we've been together for this long I've never had an opportunity to do anything for myself. I've never had to really think hard about money and budgeting and all that boring stuff because I have a lovely nerdy boyfriend to do it all for me. My mum fights all my battles with shop assistants and the like. 

I just hope Felix and I are together forever because it's a little too late to learn... Or I can't be bothered to learn. I like being a kid.

Everyone thinks I'm anemic but I'm not. I give blood every 3 months and they test every time because I'm so pale but it always comes back negative. I just don't really eat red meat that much and I don't appreciate the sun's rays on my face. At least I'm gunna be a sexy 60 year old, right?

That's something to live for, right?

My life is soon to be very very busy. A girl at work just quit last night and she's the one who works the most hours. My boss said that I'd get ALL these hours. It's not that I'm not appreciative of the extra work because God knows I need it but I just applied to start an advanced diploma! I just hope I have enough time because I actually *like* working. I like earning my *own* money and I like the customers that come to Bakers Delight. I just need to focus on my future for the next 2 years and I really hope my boss understands that.

She's kind of a hardarse but I think she loves me now that I'm her only hope.

Family Ishews

I think Felix is close to proposing to me. The last couple of weeks he's been bringing up things that he normally wouldn't and trying to act all normal about it. It's got me thinking about my dad who hates my boyfriend with a passion. It's really sad, but that's my dad and that's who he's always been. Felix and I have been together since I was 15 and I've always thought he would just accept it by now; it seems like he never will.

For my 21st birthday my dad told me that if my mum was there then he wouldn't come. I consequently had a small and unimpressive (so unlike me) birthday party due to depression and anxiety not being able to please everyone. My mum said that she wouldn't come so that dad could but seriously? Fuck that. He's the one who said he wouldn't come and why should my mum suffer.

It was nice but it was understated which is not what I'm about.

So now the next big event of my 20s is in my mind- my wedding. I can tell you right now that my dad will not come. I go through phases of just not caring at all and displacing myself from the reality that my dad hates my boyfriend and my mum and it seems like it's mainly because I used to live with my mum and I currently live with my boyfriend. If it was up to my dad I'd live with him. Even now.

Jake is my 15 year old brother and I feel so guilty for leaving him with my dad, even though his custody is nothing to do with me. Mum and dad are supposed to have 50/50 custody but dad only allows him to come to mum's house every 2nd weekend. Mum doesn't want to cause waves and upset Jake while he's in highschool but I can tell it's fucking with him.

How am I supposed to deal with the guilt of thinking my dad will kill himself when I announce mine and Felixs' engagement (I'm not even overstating here- he was once missing and had a gun on his person). How am I supposed to deal with the guilt of leaving my little brother with someone who is mentally unfit?

I know what you're thinking. You don't deal with it because you shouldn't be feeling guilty at all. I know that but the fact is; I do feel guilty.

Perhaps I should go and see someone professional instead of whinging on the interwebs. At any rate- Jake said he'd "bash" dad for me if he was shit at my wedding. He's a good brother.

Mirena IUD- an ongoing challenge

I've put off writing about this because of the horror stories I've heard and myself trying to keep an open mind but I think that what the interwebs needs is an ongoing week-by-week story of how the Mirena is effecting a normal person without the horror stories.

I had the Mirena implanted on the 5th of Feb 2010 while having a diagnostic lap for endometriosis. I've had laps before for endo but not for a couple of years, so when I got back from Dubai worried about my future fertility I saw a really awesome and a little eccentric gynecologist who decided to do a diagnostic lap to see how it's all going. I asked about the Mirena because ick, I don't want kids for at least 5 years AND condoms suck. Oral contraceptives left me emotional and bloated so I was really ready for anything. My doctor said it was an awesome idea so we went ahead!

At this point I must point out that due to my random fucked up ovaries, my doctor has decided to induce menopause for 6 months to try and shrink my baby makers and get them to move back to position or some such bullshit. She just wants to torture me, so some things that I'm going through are not what other people will experience. Most of them are really not related to the IUD (such as hot flushes which already suck) and some of them will be exaggerated because of the extra whore-moans (such as aching in the joints).

So after the operation I had a small amount of bleeding which is normal when it's first inserted and all was good. Though in the last week or so I've experienced very intense cramping in the lower abdomen and legs for some bloody reason. It's not like period pain and it's not like a normal cramp... It's just seriously horribly intense and hot and painful. I think it's normal but that doesn't make it any better. The only thing that's helping at the moment is controlling my breathing and Voltaren. And even that's not very helpful.

Anyway, I think this is when I'm supposed to be having a period so hopefully it won't be constantly like this. Apart from the cramping I've only experienced some mood swings (Felix would say that this is reason enough to have it removed... But I think it's kind of like an adventure!) And for some reason I've had a really oily face? Weird. But I can wash my face and not scream and all is well.

Anyway, I'll try make this a week-by-week thing to update. I know I would appreciate this kind of thing while I'm looking up the Mirena because I can only find horror stories (about people's hair falling out! Ick!)

Keeping an open mind. Gabriella

Brodie Panlock

I must say, as someone who has experienced workplace bullying and school yard bullying I can tell you which gets the most heat and which affected me more.

I'm talking about workplace bullying. I suppose it's the fact that you're working and you're older now and you shouldn't have to put up with that kind of crap anymore.

Brodie Panlock jumped off a 4 story building because of workplace bullying and it's just disgraceful that the people involved have only been fined. Like fineing someone punishes them enough for being involved in the death of a teenager.

Here's a link to the story.

A coroner heard at Brodie's inquest that Smallwood and waiter Rhys McAlpine were "relentless in their efforts to demean her".

Who are these people and how can they live with themselves?

Okay, so it's been 1 day since I had an operation so please excuse me if I'm making no sense. They gave me some lovely painkillers which was just lovely of them.

And I don't believe in proof reading. If I didn't type it right the first time than it obviously wasn't that important.


....


I finally feel like I have my life in order! Felix has *finally* got a job as a trainee manager at a large international company which is just so fucking exciting. He looks so sexy in a suit.

AND I enrolled in a graphic design course. I'm going to have a degree! A diploma and perhaps in the future a BACHELOR!

I'm just so happy. My life is going in the direction I wanted it to go from the start. And plus my hair looks pretty fab at the moment I must say... Well... Not at this moment. Since I've pretty much been asleep for 2 or 3 days? I'm not sure.

Incase you're wondering, the doctor said my scar tissue blah blah personal bits are all stuck together so she's putting me in MENOPAUSE? for 6 months with the Mirena IUD. It's so confusing but I'm not going to question her as she should know what she's doing.

It hurts. I'm going to lay down for a while now. Ta!

I'm feeling pretty shit to be honest. My hips are so fucked up right now I'm laying on a matress in the middle of the loungeroom with the A/C on, headpack on my hip and painkillers in my stomach. I didn't take my really strong ones because I thought it was going to be okay but now it's gotten worse and I really wish I'd taken the strong ones now.I'm trying not to think about my future too much, but I'm also trying to increase my opportunities. I'm thinking of doing a certificate in business to become a legal secretary because I've got no other prospects at the moment, and I like law... It costs $2500 and I'm not sure if the government will help me, if not then I'm just fucked.What can I do with my life, really? I've been thinking of apprenticeships in like cheffing or bakers or something but I'm just not passionate... I don't know. I'm pretty upset about the whole thing to be honest.

Sorry about lack of input into this post.

New Years Resolutions:

• Lose weight (of course)
• Earn lotsa bux
• Go to Las Vegas
• Go to Singapore
• Move out
• Be sucessful

Hey Brididgydidge, my adopted sister. I know Georgia was joking when she put you up for adoption in exchange for Jack (crazy) but I sure wasn't. I was so desperate for a little baby sister and Georgia had 2! I've always been jealous of your family, you guys are so happy (plus, the whole awesomeness red hair thing is ju...st grouse). When I lost you I lost a part of myself and I haven't been able to get it back. I don't think I ever will and that makes me sad.

I've got a theory that people who die young always know that they're going to die young, and that's why they're always awesome. Only good people seem to die. No one dies and you think "man that guy was a real cock". You are and always will be the most honest and real person I know.I still don't believe you're gone, bec...ause you're right with me every single day. Thanks for looking out for all of us down here on Earth, because God knows we need it without you to guide us.I love you. My little adopted sister. I promise to look after the ones left behind.

P.sss I ate all the yellow m&ms.

...

I messaged Georgia and told her I'm thinking of her and her family today. She messaged back saying "thanks heaps". I'm so happy we're talking again, she lives just around the corner from me. She's looking really thin and sick, and she said she's been to the doctors about it.

I cried a LOT last night and couldn't get to sleep. I could feel Bridget's presence with me and that made me feel a lot better.

I'm going to get a heart tattoo behind my ear. And it's not gunna hurt.

Merry Christmas. I got paid Christmas Eve and was in a mad frenzy of buying gifts. I think I prolly spent too much...

I was supposed to work at the bakery that day but I got my period the day before and couldn't think of standing up for too long, my hips are so out of whack. I'm going to the gyno soon to discuss the IUD. I've heard some awesome things (read: Desci said it's good) but Googling it has told me some bad things about weight gain, depression and heavier bleeding. I've learnt from experience that anything that's going to affect any of those 3 things is wholy not worth me going to the trouble of getting the medication. I'm already struggling with my weight, sanity and bleeding.

Sex without worrying, though, would be lovely.

Felix met my family and it was all sweet. Him and dad were civil and it was an all-round *alright* day. We went to sleep at about 3pm and woke up at maybe 8pm, so our sleeping pattern is throughly fucked up. I see a Christmas tridition in the making.

I'm thinking of dropping McDonalds work. It's just degrading for someone of my age, I know I'm not old but I might aswel be a grandmother for all the kids I work with. Bakers Delight has much nicer people and you get free stuff sometimes (last night I bought home 18 chocolate scones. Dead).

---

Christmas is just around the corner and I have literally bought no gifts. I *think* I'm getting paid on Christmas Eve but if not this will be an imaginary Christmas this year. I've just had no money since we got back into the country and it fucking sucks. Mum said I don't have to pay her all the money I owe her at once (there would be no point because I'd only have to borrow more off her). She's even wanting to help us get a flat in town. She's being very helpful in some ways, but very very nerveish in other ways.

Felix is still unemployed and it's really getting me down. I know he's trying but it seems like he's lost it now. After applying for 50million jobs I can certinely understand that, too. It's just that he's not applying for shit-kicker jobs like I am. It really makes me a little bit mad thinking that I'm working 3 dead-end jobs while he's still applying for managment.

I'm on his computer right now. Maybe I'll fill out a KFC application. Would that be so wrong?

P.S I cut all my hair off with theatre scissors I found in the bathroom. I mean really fucking hacked it. It looks so sex. I love it long time.

Much happier in the hair department.

Stressful times. Working 3 jobs now in a matter of fucking days! It's kinda awesome though, even though on their own they're pretty average jobs.

Maccas is number 1 and highest paying. Pros- I already know what I'm doing and feel a sense of leadership there- I see management in the future.
Cons- It's McDonalds and it's degrading.

Bakers Delight is number 2 and lowest paying. I really don't mind the pay since the work is so easy, but who knows? I haven't worked there long and I may fucking hate it within a week. Props to the 3 months probationary, amirite?

3rd and most wonderful of my 3 jobs is at Curves. It's very exciting and a totally new opportunity for me. I'm a fitness instructor! I know. It's really not me but I hope that I can conform to the role since it just seems like so much fun.

CONS OF HAVING 3 JOBS
This will be, at the least, 46 hours a week. I'm really not so good right now in ways of depression and feeling tired all the time. I hope that earning money and becoming more independent will help and everything, but it's really getting to a point where I need some anti-ds. So much anxiety right now! FOR NO REASON. I'll be driving *near* the town where I grew up and my chest will tighten. It's not like I've had any kind of childhood fuckup to the extremes? Fucking weird. Anyways. I'll go to the doctors.

Shuddup. I WILL.

Depression. It's high since yesterday I got a perm which looks like this:

I just... I can't look at it. I can't go outside. I hate it and it's awful. It was supposed to be curly and nice and long and beautiful but instead it's frizz.

All of my entire hair is ruined and I can't believe it. What did I do? I called my work and asked when I'm next working and they said not until after the new year since they closed the resaurant. Were they going to tell me? I don't think so. So now I work at McDonalds and a bakery part time. 2 jobs and Felix still doesn't have one.

I know I'm ranting, but could anything else possibly go wrong? FML.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOPVRJB1-9c

Coming to terms with my sexuality I realised that I'm soooo bisexual that it's just unbearable.

I don't think I'd be able to have enough IRL confidence to have sex with a *real* woman. I've only ever had sex with one *real* man. And plus the only reason I have enough confidence to have sex with him is because I've known him since I was 13 and he IS the male version of me.

But fo reals, girls are just too varied. I don't want to brag but I have a *lovely* vagina. It's so normal. Perfectional in a vadge. If I was going to have sex with a lady I'd be worried about all the dangly bits or something is going to be bigger/smaller than I thought.

But at the same time that's kind of exciting.

Gah I don't know! I told Felix and he's not what you'd expect from a guy who just learnt that his girlfriend is bi... He's kind of worried that I'll cheat on him, but I never would. Not without him watching. I wouldn't want a 3some because I wouldn't want anyone to touch MY Felix.

I wouldn't say bicurious because I have been bicurious all my life... I'm most definially bisexual. No doubt.

Blah.