Family Ishews

I think Felix is close to proposing to me. The last couple of weeks he's been bringing up things that he normally wouldn't and trying to act all normal about it. It's got me thinking about my dad who hates my boyfriend with a passion. It's really sad, but that's my dad and that's who he's always been. Felix and I have been together since I was 15 and I've always thought he would just accept it by now; it seems like he never will.

For my 21st birthday my dad told me that if my mum was there then he wouldn't come. I consequently had a small and unimpressive (so unlike me) birthday party due to depression and anxiety not being able to please everyone. My mum said that she wouldn't come so that dad could but seriously? Fuck that. He's the one who said he wouldn't come and why should my mum suffer.

It was nice but it was understated which is not what I'm about.

So now the next big event of my 20s is in my mind- my wedding. I can tell you right now that my dad will not come. I go through phases of just not caring at all and displacing myself from the reality that my dad hates my boyfriend and my mum and it seems like it's mainly because I used to live with my mum and I currently live with my boyfriend. If it was up to my dad I'd live with him. Even now.

Jake is my 15 year old brother and I feel so guilty for leaving him with my dad, even though his custody is nothing to do with me. Mum and dad are supposed to have 50/50 custody but dad only allows him to come to mum's house every 2nd weekend. Mum doesn't want to cause waves and upset Jake while he's in highschool but I can tell it's fucking with him.

How am I supposed to deal with the guilt of thinking my dad will kill himself when I announce mine and Felixs' engagement (I'm not even overstating here- he was once missing and had a gun on his person). How am I supposed to deal with the guilt of leaving my little brother with someone who is mentally unfit?

I know what you're thinking. You don't deal with it because you shouldn't be feeling guilty at all. I know that but the fact is; I do feel guilty.

Perhaps I should go and see someone professional instead of whinging on the interwebs. At any rate- Jake said he'd "bash" dad for me if he was shit at my wedding. He's a good brother.