Exercise.

Everyone talks about how this act of "exercise" creates some kind of invigoration and releases endorphins, making you feel more energetic and less depressed.

Well, I don't feel it. It may be the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but shit. I just feel FUCKED after I exercise. My depression has spiraled in the past couple of weeks, when I've been going to the gym more. I've cried at work twice in 2 weeks because of stress.

I don't think the exercise thing is working on me.

The problem might be that I work too hard at it? My heart rate gets up to 29 (in 10 seconds I think) and the instructor tells me to settle down. If I do less, I feel lazy. There's 80yos there working their butts off and I'm supposed to be settling down, it doesn't sound right.

So I have a fast heart rate maybe, is there something I can do about that?

I'm not losing any weight, but I am feeling skinnier so I don't want to leave it just yet. I just don't want to be tired anymore.

'Night

Motherhood

I'm a very clucky person. A couple of years ago I decided that I wouldn't actively *try* to get pregnant unless I had a really good reason for bringing a human life into the world. I also decided that "I just want a baby" isn't enough.

But is it?

Why do people have children?

I've thought of a couple of scenarios. One, which is most common to me, is that there are so many motherly hormones running through their brain screaming "If I don't hold my own spawn in the next 9 months I will DIE". This, I suppose, is a natural instinct for young women. It comes back from the old days when you were *supposed* to be married with 3 children by the time you were my age.

Two is because they have issues. I don't think this one applies to me, but I assume some people have babies so that they have *something* to love. People who weren't hugged enough as children and don't have a loving partner might fall into this category. They want something that is entirely theirs so that they can smother it with all the love they desire and hope that they will unconditionally get it back.

Three is to trap somebody into a relationship with them. This one definitely doesn't apply to me (OR DOES IT??). I heard it on Dr Phil. This girl was with a guy who totally didn't want to marry her or anything, but when she got pregnant he respectfully asked her to marry her. This is such a wrong reason for wanting a child. The child is then merely a fragment holding two people together. It is not the center of their worlds. It is the keeper.

So, out of those three, there is no great a holy explanation for wanting to have a child. What other legitimate reasons are there? I don't want to be in my late 30s before I realise what the perfect reason for having a child is.

Maybe the reason to have a child is that you have found the person you love and want to put your DNA with his and create something wonderful. That seems like an okay reason to me.

Either way there's no fucking way in hell they're putting a big motherfucking needle in my SPINE! Natural for me.

Weekend

I worked from midnight to 7am on Friday night. I was okay, until about 3am when I got pretty groggy. By 6 I was kind of pacing around the store (think Apu when he worked for 3 days straight). I fell asleep on the ground at 6:30 and woke up at 6:50 when my manager asked if I wanted her to drive me home. By that time, Felix was already on his way into work, so I said don't bother.

Everyone was getting freaked out by me. Apparently I looked a lot like shit? Nice one, co-workers.

Work is all sorts of fun at the moment. On the 4th of August we're going assailing and then doing a mud-run? There will be about 4 of us doing this, since no one joined the social club. I don't really know how we'll be paying for it if we joined last week and we're only paying $2 a week.

August is the time, eh? My birthday is on September the second, so August is a big preparation month for the most important day of the year. After August comes Gabriella month in which everyone celebrates the birth of Gabriella. For a month. I am no for kidding, this is how I roll.

Big E just called and said "want to come over on August 1st?" NO. Fuck. This is exactly what he's like. It doesn't matter that I have a job and need to give at *least* 2 weeks notice before jetsetting around the world. No, that doesn't matter, because he wants it to happen NOW.

I'm so angry at the man, even though he offered to pay my way. *Glee*.

Beef stir-fry for dinner tonight. I'm looking forward to the noodles... Let's see how this works out.

OMG OMG OMG

Big E (Felix's dad) just called from Dubai. He wants to know if we'd like to come over.

Fuck yeah? Where's the question?

We just need to pay off Felix's credit card and off we fucking go! We'll prolly do a stop-over in Australia first up, so that I can get some summer clothes? Hells yeah.

I'm too excited to do a real update.

Wahhh!!

I'm hysterical.

My ovaries are definitely *NOT* laying rainbows. They're laying nasty eggs full of death of failure. And it HURTS!

Sometimes, I hate so much being a woman. I'm due this week, this week I am also scheduled to work 6 DAYS in a FUCKING row. So what am I supposed to do? I told them that I can't work that much in a row because I *will* get sick due to CFS. So they are trying to get me a day or two off, but it will end up me calling in sick.

I don't like calling in sick. I may be a lazy fat-arse with a lack of morals, but I just don't like putting people out. Even though I work in an industry where most people can learn how to do what I do in one 8 hour period it just feels wrong that other people have to catch my arse. You know?

You know.

But it's going to have to happen. I'm already in excruciating pain and the show hasn't even begun. People haven't even started lining up outside yet. The tickets haven't even been sold.

That doesn't mean that I'm not having menses contraptions that even birthing women are hard up on.

So. I'm going to have to call in sick again this week. I did last week for my faux-apendicitiis. Shit.

Maybe if I talk to my supervisor it will be okay. She was really cool about the CFS and went out of her way to fix up my hours. All the girls bitch about her at work, it's so schoolish. Maybe because I'm older and wiser I understand that she's not a bitch if you don't treat her like shit.

She's pretty nice to me and my ills.

Sorry about the period post. Deal with it.

Shut. Down.

Don't you feel so womanly, when you roll over to your half-naked partner and begin to fondle him. You're beginning to get all hot when he slurs "Not tonight baby, I'm not in the mood."

Who the hell is the woman here? Am I alone?

I must admit I am quite masculine when it comes to sex and horniness. I'm always ready to go and I'm always asking for it. Felix, on the other hand is more of a "lets wait a couple of days and it will be twice as good!" kind of person. Our two sexual personalities are the original odd couple. Of course, I'm the dirty one with a lack of morals.

It makes me totally insecure to be shut down the way I am though. I'm sitting in bed right now by myself while Felix is on the PC playing some interweb gaming thing. He'd rather do that, than do me.

Well don't I just put the U in U.G.L.Y?

I have *got* to get to the gym tomorrow lest my mother be thinner than me. I *will* kill myself if that happens.

That is a slight overestimation.

I finished reading Diablo Cody's archives

I feel so alone.