I realise now why I can't not go through normal womanly monthly stuff without getting aggressive and depressed. I am a masochist.
Not in a creepy, sexual way. Not that I've ever tried BDSM or anything like that, it just doesn't really interest me. I like to be dominated but not humiliated.
I had a blood test last week sometime and I was reading on the wall what to do so that you don't get a bruise. So, for development purposes, I did the opposite. I went for a jog (OMG for a start!) I did some digging motions with my arm, I walked the dog, etc. I got a whopper of a bruise on my arm! It's the fricken AWESOME! I love it!
And I get sad thinking it will go away... I don't want to get into specifics but when Aunt Flo is visiting I am so very happy and exhausted and in pain. I'm so relieved. I guess the only reason I want it *fixed* is because I feel like I *have* to. I don't want to be barron and I don't want to be crippled, but is it okay that for now I love it?
Monday, March 9, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Getting Better
Felix is going home on the 20th to help his parents move house. This was inevitable and his parents paid for his ticket back, although I would've loved to go with him, it just wasn't possible this time. Since Sydney Airport ate my passport I've felt so... Trapped. By the country. I need to get out! Yet also, since Sydney Airport ate my passport, I have to pay an additional $79 to get my passport. So unfair! My passport is going to be $280 I think. I don't make that much in one week at the moment, and Felix never did get that job. Living week to week sucks, although it can be exciting.
Example, Felix and I are in the city and starving. We're parked outside McDonalds. We had to search the entire car for coins and ended up with something like $17! We had quite the feast! It was so exciting. Although I would love to be able to afford to colour my hair, it's fairly drab at the moment.
I had a blood test today to see why I am the way I am. I hope it's something treatable! I'm tired!
I'm going to miss Felix terribly. I have such seperation anxiety.
Example, Felix and I are in the city and starving. We're parked outside McDonalds. We had to search the entire car for coins and ended up with something like $17! We had quite the feast! It was so exciting. Although I would love to be able to afford to colour my hair, it's fairly drab at the moment.
I had a blood test today to see why I am the way I am. I hope it's something treatable! I'm tired!
I'm going to miss Felix terribly. I have such seperation anxiety.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I'll Update For Real When I Know For Sure
I'm most likely going to do my degree in Dubai, it seems. This excites me to no end, except I was looking forward to finally unpacking my bed into my new flat in Melbourne some time. Seems like it will be a good 4 years until I get to live in my beloved city. Even then, perhaps it will be back to En Zed again. *Sigh*. I wish I knew where I was going to end up. I don't even know what nationality my children will be let alone where I will settle down.
Very looking forward to Dubai, although it will mean that I have to save up a lot more money than I would have to if I was going to live in Melbournia. I need a ticket, Felix doesn't so much because his dad will pay. I also need a passport which will cost me $280 because I lost mine.
Gah. We're supposed to go back to NZ for Felix's birthday in March but there's no way on Earth we're going to be able to afford it. He's already got his ticket, though. And he's not going anywhere without me.
Very looking forward to Dubai, although it will mean that I have to save up a lot more money than I would have to if I was going to live in Melbournia. I need a ticket, Felix doesn't so much because his dad will pay. I also need a passport which will cost me $280 because I lost mine.
Gah. We're supposed to go back to NZ for Felix's birthday in March but there's no way on Earth we're going to be able to afford it. He's already got his ticket, though. And he's not going anywhere without me.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Oh my effing GOD
Fo srsly, I can't do this. I'm supposed to be missing a period this month in order to fix my baby-making parts in order to make babies. BUT I'm just so cranky and bloated and shit and gross.
My throat hurts. I need a cuddle.
My throat hurts. I need a cuddle.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Dramas
I went to my friend's funeral yesterday. I started to get mad at the celebrant talking about B, but then he soothed me. I suppose that's his job. I felt like quite a hypocrite , getting mad at people on Facebook talking about B and not knowing her and then letting this guy who REALLY didn't know her tell everyone about her.
He's good at his job.
Anyway he said something about letting B's death teach us to let go of everything that has the opportunity to poison our soul, or something. I thought of my God damn parents and how fucked up they're making my soul. Can I let go of them? No. But I can *try* to let go of what they do to me. I wish I could *actually* let go of them, like you would an ordinary relationship with a friend or lover. Parents are so fucked up. No one wants them but most of us have to put up with them. Then when you do leave them they get all needy and calling you.
Felix, K and I are all pissed at our parents. My parent troubles are nothing compared to Felix's. Felix's dad hasn't lived with his family since he was 4. He works O/S and it seemed like it worked really well for his family. Felix's mum is kinda extreme so I always thought "yeah, I'd do what E does too. Live OS and only have to put up with my extreme wife in doses." But while Felix was still in NZ he came on MSN and said that he needed to tell me something, but in person.
I asked him what he wanted to tell me the other day and he went all quiet. It turns out his dad has been cheating on his mum for years with various women. This didn't suprise anyone, of course. But what really upset Felix is that his mum told him that she once wrote a letter, because one of E's mistresses was planning to kill her. Felix has always felt the need to look after his mum and seeing her scared for her life just cracked him.
She's still not leaving E, though. She hasn't had a job since Felix was young and I suppose she's scared of being alone with no money. Felix's nanna doesn't even know and M is really close to her. It would kill her.
So I really don't have much to complain about when I think of Felix's parents. Sure, my mum cheated on my dad. But that was a good 19 years ago. My dad refers to my mum as "the slut". It breaks my heart.
I wish they'd be civil for my brother.
He's good at his job.
Anyway he said something about letting B's death teach us to let go of everything that has the opportunity to poison our soul, or something. I thought of my God damn parents and how fucked up they're making my soul. Can I let go of them? No. But I can *try* to let go of what they do to me. I wish I could *actually* let go of them, like you would an ordinary relationship with a friend or lover. Parents are so fucked up. No one wants them but most of us have to put up with them. Then when you do leave them they get all needy and calling you.
Felix, K and I are all pissed at our parents. My parent troubles are nothing compared to Felix's. Felix's dad hasn't lived with his family since he was 4. He works O/S and it seemed like it worked really well for his family. Felix's mum is kinda extreme so I always thought "yeah, I'd do what E does too. Live OS and only have to put up with my extreme wife in doses." But while Felix was still in NZ he came on MSN and said that he needed to tell me something, but in person.
I asked him what he wanted to tell me the other day and he went all quiet. It turns out his dad has been cheating on his mum for years with various women. This didn't suprise anyone, of course. But what really upset Felix is that his mum told him that she once wrote a letter, because one of E's mistresses was planning to kill her. Felix has always felt the need to look after his mum and seeing her scared for her life just cracked him.
She's still not leaving E, though. She hasn't had a job since Felix was young and I suppose she's scared of being alone with no money. Felix's nanna doesn't even know and M is really close to her. It would kill her.
So I really don't have much to complain about when I think of Felix's parents. Sure, my mum cheated on my dad. But that was a good 19 years ago. My dad refers to my mum as "the slut". It breaks my heart.
I wish they'd be civil for my brother.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Update
Kay, so I didn't die, as much as you wish I did. A good friend of mine died on the 27th of December, though. So don't be so fucking insensitive.
Okay, so she was a best-friend's sister. But in the small town I grew up with it didn't matter how old they were, they're still your friends.
B died in a car accident with her two sisters in the car. The sister who is my age was driving. It's really tragic because it's not her fault. B wasn't wearing her seatbelt because they'd only just started driving. G wasn't speeding nor drinking. It's just a really tragic accident. The funeral is tomorrow and I'm going to look like a pig. I have a job interview before the funeral so they're going to think I'm gothic.
Perhaps they won't think I'm gothic. I looked in the mirror the other morning and squealed. I had a good 14 grey hairs just in the spot where hair turns to fringe. I cracked the shits and decided I would bleech the fuck out of my hair.
...
Still deciding if it was a mistake... It's kind of orange, but it's possibly an awesome orange? It kind of hurts my eyes to look at so I'm thinking sometime next week I'll put another blonde through it to make it look normal blonde. If my hair falls out... Well. I can pretend I shaved it for cancer or something.
So I've pretty much got two jobs. One is at Safeway and one is at McDonalds. Undeseriable, I know. What can you do in these uncertain times? Nothing. That's what you can do. I've always seemed to like my time at McDonalds so that should be okay. I'm kind of nervous about working at Safeway though. They seem to be very... Strict.
We'll see which one has the most money in it and go for it anyway! Both places are only able to give me 20 hours each so it's not like I'll be weird about working two jobs. I just hope they don't get jealous and fight with eachother.
Why can't everyone just get along???
Okay, so she was a best-friend's sister. But in the small town I grew up with it didn't matter how old they were, they're still your friends.
B died in a car accident with her two sisters in the car. The sister who is my age was driving. It's really tragic because it's not her fault. B wasn't wearing her seatbelt because they'd only just started driving. G wasn't speeding nor drinking. It's just a really tragic accident. The funeral is tomorrow and I'm going to look like a pig. I have a job interview before the funeral so they're going to think I'm gothic.
Perhaps they won't think I'm gothic. I looked in the mirror the other morning and squealed. I had a good 14 grey hairs just in the spot where hair turns to fringe. I cracked the shits and decided I would bleech the fuck out of my hair.
...
Still deciding if it was a mistake... It's kind of orange, but it's possibly an awesome orange? It kind of hurts my eyes to look at so I'm thinking sometime next week I'll put another blonde through it to make it look normal blonde. If my hair falls out... Well. I can pretend I shaved it for cancer or something.
So I've pretty much got two jobs. One is at Safeway and one is at McDonalds. Undeseriable, I know. What can you do in these uncertain times? Nothing. That's what you can do. I've always seemed to like my time at McDonalds so that should be okay. I'm kind of nervous about working at Safeway though. They seem to be very... Strict.
We'll see which one has the most money in it and go for it anyway! Both places are only able to give me 20 hours each so it's not like I'll be weird about working two jobs. I just hope they don't get jealous and fight with eachother.
Why can't everyone just get along???
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