Moving On

It's always been a foreign concept to me, moving on. How are you supposed to just "get over" someone close to you dieing. It's so very final. How am I supposed to move on with my life when their life played such a role in mine?

I'm talking about Bridget. It's been 10 weeks since she died and I still tear up thinking about her. It feels stupid that I do, because no one else is. Everyone else is just... Moving on. Even her sister, one of my best friends.

When Bridget died, it wasn't just losing a friends sister like it was for so many of my friends. When me and G were little I always used to hang out at their house with Bridget and G. They're only a couple of years apart and were often mistaken for twins.

When Bridget's first real boy friend broke up with her at school on paper me and G stalked the school for him. We were in year 12 and he was much younger, so we were quite intimidating. We let Bridget stay in our commonroom while we gave him a tongue lashing. Bridget could always rely on us to keep her safe.

I can't really talk to G about this. She revealed to me that it doesn't feel like Bridget is gone, just like she's on holidays or something. G was driving the car, but she doesn't remember. Bridget was sitting in the backseat and wasn't wearing her seatbelt. G lost control of the car and they crashed into a ditch. She wasn't drinking. She wasn't speeding. It's no way her fault, but she can't remember anything from that night. She doesn't know if she wants to.

I want to tell G that I still have panic attacks in the car while I'm driving home from work whenever I pass the cemetary. I want to tell her how I dream about B and how much I miss her, but I don't want to upset her. We really hadn't been that close last year, or really since we graduated. Last year especially because I was in New Zealand and G isn't really into Facecrack. I want to tell G about how much I regret not seeing her and B more toward the end.

I don't want to look at G like I do, with so much pity. I can't help it. I don't have a sister and Bridget was the closest I had. I want to tell her I feel her pain, even though it couldn't even be an ounce of what she feels.

I want to go back to December 26th and at least see Bridget. I miss her so much.

So talented. Check her Myspazz. She was going to be a rockstar.

www.myspace.com/theprettyundeadthings

Best. Kid. Ever.