Beggledorf!

Felix might be getting a job in Dubai within' the next few weeks. I try not to get my hopes up, because his dad *says* a lot of things. But it's still fun to get excited about things.

ZOMG! We could live in a little apartment in the city! Perhaps I could grow some tomatoes on the balcony... I wonder how they go in the Dubai heat? How will I go in the Dubai heat? My God, I won't be able to wear my longs anymore. I will, regardless. I never ever ever ever ever want to tan. I like the pale look. I look like a vampire.

I think I should become a gothic person. I have none of the attitudes (I guess, I don't really know any gothic people. They always seem sad) but I have the skin. When I dyed my hair dark, someone from work said it brings out my milky complexion. I love her now! Nothing is a bigger compliment than calling my skin "milky" or "pale". You may mean it as an insult, but it doesn't feel that way.

I'm a size 14 too *stress*. I can fit a size 12, and a size 10 on top. But a size 14 is comfortable. If I go to Dubai I'll only get fatter. Too hot to go outside! And usually in Dubai we eat out...

Maybe I can take up swimming though? I swam a lot in Dubai and I felt really good for it...

Yes. I will be a swimmer and I will have nice manly shoulders so that I can suck my victims blood in a tank top.

*Glee*! My goodness, I feel sorry for anyone who reads this blog. It's so... All over the place?




OH that's another thing! I'll be unemployeedd if I move to Dubai! MORE FUCKING GLEE! I hate work... So much. I can't wait to have Thomas' babies.

Self Medicating

I does it. I've been working flat out since I got to Australia and my feet have developed such pain. It's worse than the "I've been at work all day" kind of pain. It's unbearable.

I don't want to go to the doctor about it, because I don't want to be the person in her early 20s who needs to be going to the doctors about foot/back pain. Srsly, I need to be young before I have to worry about this crap. I'm already having a hard time thinking about "now or never" regarding children. I'm not ready now, but I want to have kids some day!

The only reason I'm not ready now is because of Felix. I beg him plz for teh bebies. Last night he said yes! But I think he was drunk... So I'm not taking his word for it.

Brunette again. Much better to make me look whiter. Yay! I'm not making sense... Calmitives mmm...

Zomg? Do I have to stop taking pills if I get pregnant? How will I survive 9 months without glorious myrsendol or coffee?

And sniffing stuff?

HOW WILL I SURVIVE??

Didn't Work

Mother fucker. I've been walking around with fucking orange hair for about a month now so I got Fudge's "whiter shade of pale". It's a toner and I thought it would be perfect to blonde up my hair.

Mother fucker did squat. FUCK!

Moving On

It's always been a foreign concept to me, moving on. How are you supposed to just "get over" someone close to you dieing. It's so very final. How am I supposed to move on with my life when their life played such a role in mine?

I'm talking about Bridget. It's been 10 weeks since she died and I still tear up thinking about her. It feels stupid that I do, because no one else is. Everyone else is just... Moving on. Even her sister, one of my best friends.

When Bridget died, it wasn't just losing a friends sister like it was for so many of my friends. When me and G were little I always used to hang out at their house with Bridget and G. They're only a couple of years apart and were often mistaken for twins.

When Bridget's first real boy friend broke up with her at school on paper me and G stalked the school for him. We were in year 12 and he was much younger, so we were quite intimidating. We let Bridget stay in our commonroom while we gave him a tongue lashing. Bridget could always rely on us to keep her safe.

I can't really talk to G about this. She revealed to me that it doesn't feel like Bridget is gone, just like she's on holidays or something. G was driving the car, but she doesn't remember. Bridget was sitting in the backseat and wasn't wearing her seatbelt. G lost control of the car and they crashed into a ditch. She wasn't drinking. She wasn't speeding. It's no way her fault, but she can't remember anything from that night. She doesn't know if she wants to.

I want to tell G that I still have panic attacks in the car while I'm driving home from work whenever I pass the cemetary. I want to tell her how I dream about B and how much I miss her, but I don't want to upset her. We really hadn't been that close last year, or really since we graduated. Last year especially because I was in New Zealand and G isn't really into Facecrack. I want to tell G about how much I regret not seeing her and B more toward the end.

I don't want to look at G like I do, with so much pity. I can't help it. I don't have a sister and Bridget was the closest I had. I want to tell her I feel her pain, even though it couldn't even be an ounce of what she feels.

I want to go back to December 26th and at least see Bridget. I miss her so much.

So talented. Check her Myspazz. She was going to be a rockstar.

www.myspace.com/theprettyundeadthings

Best. Kid. Ever.

Masochistism

I realise now why I can't not go through normal womanly monthly stuff without getting aggressive and depressed. I am a masochist.

Not in a creepy, sexual way. Not that I've ever tried BDSM or anything like that, it just doesn't really interest me. I like to be dominated but not humiliated.

I had a blood test last week sometime and I was reading on the wall what to do so that you don't get a bruise. So, for development purposes, I did the opposite. I went for a jog (OMG for a start!) I did some digging motions with my arm, I walked the dog, etc. I got a whopper of a bruise on my arm! It's the fricken AWESOME! I love it!

And I get sad thinking it will go away... I don't want to get into specifics but when Aunt Flo is visiting I am so very happy and exhausted and in pain. I'm so relieved. I guess the only reason I want it *fixed* is because I feel like I *have* to. I don't want to be barron and I don't want to be crippled, but is it okay that for now I love it?

Getting Better

Felix is going home on the 20th to help his parents move house. This was inevitable and his parents paid for his ticket back, although I would've loved to go with him, it just wasn't possible this time. Since Sydney Airport ate my passport I've felt so... Trapped. By the country. I need to get out! Yet also, since Sydney Airport ate my passport, I have to pay an additional $79 to get my passport. So unfair! My passport is going to be $280 I think. I don't make that much in one week at the moment, and Felix never did get that job. Living week to week sucks, although it can be exciting.

Example, Felix and I are in the city and starving. We're parked outside McDonalds. We had to search the entire car for coins and ended up with something like $17! We had quite the feast! It was so exciting. Although I would love to be able to afford to colour my hair, it's fairly drab at the moment.

I had a blood test today to see why I am the way I am. I hope it's something treatable! I'm tired!

I'm going to miss Felix terribly. I have such seperation anxiety.